|when I read this; I related to it compleatly.|
I wrote this about two months ago. I was about ready to give up. I hated myself and wanted to die. So I decided to put my feelings to word and get them out of my head. This is what I wrote…
If I could somehow transform into a woman and become a mother I would do so in a heart beat. Even at the risk of condemning myself for eternity. I would at least have one lifetime with the experience of being a mother; Feeling all the joys, pains and sorrows both physical and mental. Being pregnant, giving birth and sharing that special bond only a mother and child can share. My hearts ache is a dull throb with each heart beat that caused my entire being to quake beneath my anguish. My soul howls bitter tears and I am rend between what I feel in my very core what was rightfully mine but denied, and trying to pleas my heavenly father by doing his will. I try my hardest not to curse God for what I have to go through, and fight myself when those feelings come and not entertain them. I have a hard time going to my father in prayer because of this resentment I feel.
I no longer feel this way; it was during one of those many dark times in my life. And during times like these I just want to retreat into a dark place and hide from the world. I become incredibly sad and just want to cry all my sadness out. I am miserable and I hate feeling this way. And I long for the better brighter days to come once again. I still feel those feeling bubble to the surface, but I try not to entertain them and just let them pass. I know I will eventually hit another dark time like that; where I will be overcome by these feeling, and I pray that I will have the strength not to let it become another dark time.
Every time I see this video it makes me cry.
I may not be gay, but the pain and heartache is the same. Being bullied and treated badly for acting different. There is no place in this world for such reckless hatred.
Over the past two years I have changed a great deal. I once would have done anything, and given anything to become a woman. It was the one and only thing that occupied my mind. Becoming a woman was all I desired. This desire or impulse to become a woman is just as strong if not stronger than an addiction. The difference; I did not choose this like an addict chooses to partake in a substance. I am borne with this and it will never go away. No amount of abstaining will lessen the want, there is nothing I can take that will feed the desire, and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. It is like being stuck in withdrawal forever with this uncontrolled passion my whole life. The only way out is Gender reassignment surgery, or death. I am not saying this is an addiction; I am simply using this to illustrate how strongly I feel. Now considering SRS and suicide are no options, then now I do not have many places to turn to. So I turned to the lord. After counselling with my therapist and a great deal of deep soul searching I found what I am suppose to do.
This has been an incredible journey of self discovery I would never give up. The road has been hard with many bumps and steep edges. Many times I have wanted to give up, and I know that many more times I will yet want to give up further along the way. It has been long hard and difficult, but this difficult path I have had to walk has made me the person I am today, and I would never give that up. I am proud of whom I have become, and I do not what to hide from that any more. I want to be able to talk freely about being transgender with anyone who is willing to listen.