Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Can we make being transgender bearable?

I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep, and I was thinking about being transgender.  I was not feeling the impulse as strong as it can be, and I thought to myself, “This is not too bad, if it would stay this way I could be happy.”  That got me thinking even more; what if there was something I could do to keep it that way.  Maybe something I could take or a procedure that would take the GID away.  So then I thought the question, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”  That would mean giving up any hope of ever being female.

I have thought long and hard about this question many times over the years.  In the past I would have said no.  I wanted too much to be a girl, and a mother, and even on my bad days when the GID act up and I am overcome by the intense desire and want to be a woman I still would say no.  Now when I am not feeling the intense desire pulling at my heart stings, and I have made the decision to remain how my heavenly father intended me to be; I can say yes.  I would give anything to feel the peace and contentment about my gender continually as I did last night.  And it scares me that at any moment I can be over come by the want and be drawn down beep within the depths of despair, and the feeling that the only way to feel happy and complete is to become a woman. 

So I ask the question again, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”


  1. YES. For me personally, transitioning doesn't feel like the right answer, but there are times when it sure seems like it would be easier. If there were a way to feel comfortable in my own skin as I am right now, I would absolutely take it.

    That said, I sure haven't found it yet. -_-

    1. In the past I would have said yes--without a doubt I would have. That was when I really felt that deep inside me my spirit was somehow male. Things have changed a lot for me know though. Really before I didn't want to be a woman. I was a woman in my mind and I didn't want to be one--I did everything I could to kill that woman and replace her with someone else--with a man.

      Maybe, it's not so simple as to say a simple yes or no to this question. I would have to say that if I still believed my spirit were male and that the person I truly am is male then I would definitely want to do whatever I could to get over being transgender or at least to be okay with it. Honestly, I was pretty close to getting to the point where I felt okay with it. But if I truly believed that my spirit were female then it would be extremely difficult for me to find a purpose to living my entire life as a crossdressing actress on a stage and I would stay as far away from such a pill as I could.

      You know, some say that a just God wouldn't put a male spirit in a body with a feminized mind and others say that a just God wouldn't put a female spirit in a male body period. Personally, I wouldn't ascribe natural consequences to God's direct meddling with nature and I would say that a just God gives agency unto not only his children but the natural elements and the laws of nature and that there are no possibilities we should discount based on our poor understanding of God's justice.

      I too have often contemplated this question and I would still say that if I had a choice I would rather have a male spirit, not be transgender and be the husband and father my wife and children deserve--but I came to realize that no matter how hard I want to choose something I can't choose to be someone I'm not.

      I really do believe that if you believe that you are male yet you struggle with wanting to be/feeling like you are a female then you can find peace in being a man, but you are the one that needs to define the kind of man you are--not anyone else, and if the kind of man you are is extremely feminine and sensitive etc. there's nothing wrong with that. I found a lot of peace thinking that way when I believed I was male--sometimes it would be so much easier if I could go back to believing that.

      Oh, I also just wanted to add that if transitioning doesn't feel like the right answer for you then I don't think it could be. I agree with people when they say if it doesn't feel right then it isn't right.

    2. When I wrote this post I would have said yes, but today being a difficult day I would have said no. As you bring up the question of gender, it makes me think about my own feeling towards my gender. Everything physical and spiritual says my spirit is male, and from that my bishop insists that male is what I am supposed to be. But deep down my gut instinct says I am female. How do I argue that when all the evidence suggests otherwise. So do I follow the advice of my bishop and what my patriarchal blessing says and try to push the idea of my spirit being female aside? Or do I follow my gut and hold onto the idea of my spirit being female? I do not mean to sound wishy washy. I do not intend on changing my body, but it would hold a great impact on what I do with my life. I would like to know the gender of my spirit, but I also fear that I will not like what I hear.
      If I did decide to transition I would probably look like Anjelica Huston on steroids. I do not think I would be happy with the outcome.

  2. We are a church that believes very strongly in personal revelation. Counsel from our leaders is good, as is a patriarchal blessing (of course!)... but personal revelation, directly to you from Heavenly Father with no intermediate filter, trumps them both. If you think about it, that's the root and core of our doctrine: James 1:5, Moroni 10:4-5, I could list others but you get the idea.

    So as your Internet Friend, I would encourage you to seek that knowledge directly from Him, and trust Him to tell you what you need to know. Christian got her answer, I've got a partial one of my own (with a pretty explicit "to be continued" rider); I'm sure you can get yours too.

  3. Well, I think in the end if we do what our heavenly father wishes, it will all come out in the wash. He will not doom us to misery for eternity. What ever he has planned for each one of us is exactly what we need. We may not like the answer now, but he knows what is best for us in the eternities. I know for myself when I am having one of those freaking out about my gender moments it is hard to see past this mortal existence. That is when I need to exercise more faith.

    1. I just feel like commenting on a few things. Honestly, I never wanted to hear the answer that my spirit was female--I was completely prepared and even wanted to a large degree to have a confirmation that my spirit was male. However the thing that really made the difference for me was that for the first time in my life I was humble enough to admit that I did not know the answer and that I was willing to accept whatever the truth of my situation was. I believe that before we ask God questions like this we should first ask ourselves if we would be willing to accept the truth regardless of what we want.


      The rest of my comment was way too long so I guess I'll have to make it into a blog post--look for the ones about patriarchal blessings.