Dr. Pepper

I have a confession to make.
I have a slight Dr. Pepper addiction.
Ok, well maybe a little more than slight, but not much mind you.
It all started when I was little and my dad introduced me to the taste. I know that people are quite polarized about the flavour; either you like it or you hate it. When you are 4 and that is what your dad is drinking, well that is what I wanted to drink. So he would let me have some, and every time he would say,” don’t tell your mom.” I never did and that is where it all started, and now my daughter is a Dr. Pepper fan.

Cycling

On a lighter note…

I have been cycling through several roller coaster ups and downs here lately and by the time I get off the ride I am not sure if I am going to hurl or get back on. One of my passions throughout my life has been riding my bike. I have never been into sports, but biking is one I love. Around here in southern Alberta are a lot of Coulee’s or quite often referred to as the river bottom. They give some of the most roughest and divers terrain for riding in. I will tell you, I rode the toughest I could find trying to out run Anima. There are a lot of steep ups and downs and sharp turns and obstacles that will challenge some of the best of riders. They are AWESOME 0_0.
Now to start; every five to ten years I would take quite a spill on my bike. And the first time was no exception.
I was around 6 years old and just had my training wheels removed. My brother had spent all afternoon with me coaching and helping me to ride a two wheeler. So that evening after supper I decided to give it a go on my own. I got on my bike. Put my right foot on the up turned peddle, pushed off with my left foot as I pushed down on my right and I was off. I felt great. I had the wind in my face and there was nothing to stop me, except for one thing. I did not now how to stop. :-(( So I did what any sensible six year old would do, I found something to break my fall. In my case it was into the back of my neighbour’s new van. All I remember of that experience was my neighbour yelling at me, as I sat on the ground with my legs twisted through my bike and crying, for not being careful. I could have damaged their new van.

The next experience I can recollect was when I was about sixteen years old. I was riding through a park by where I live named Pavan Park. It sat snugly in the river bottom with many game trails (spoor)  for me to explore. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon. My mother was napping and I decided to go for a ride. I soon found myself riding along this rather narrow trail high up on the side of a coulee. As I continued along, I came across a rather large rock, or maybe it was a deep buried boulder, sitting in the middle of the narrow spoor. Instinctively I was going to go up on the high ground to avoid the obstacle. Well to my dismay a smaller unseen rock bounced my front tire onto the top of the larger rock. It slipped off and down I went. It was a good thing the cactus broke my fall. I got up. Shook off the dirt, and assessed the damage. I had a small gash in my shin and an arm full of cactus quills. For a brief moment I contemplated continuing my ride before going home, then panic set in. I am going to need stitches!! Well I never got out of the park so quickly and back home. I woke my mom and said to her, “I think I need to go to the hospital.” There I sat for the better part of an hour as the doctor with a magnifying glass and a pare of tweezers pulled out cactus quills. My leg took four stitches and it was done.

Just after I had moved out on my own into my first place, I found a new place in the coulees to ride. This was by a golf course positioned in the river bottom. I was on another game trail ( I am starting to see a pattern forming here) that wound its way around the top of this particular coulee I was on. As I came around the corner there suddenly appeared two large dips in the trail. To soon to stop and the ground to the inside was too steep to peddle, without clipping the side of the hill, and pick up speed to coast over the dips. So when my front tire hit the first dip that I slowed down enough that I came to a complete stop in the seconded one. To my right I had the grass covered hill and to my left a 40 to 50 foot almost vertical drop. Well in my infinite wisdom I look over at the drop. And as I looked I knew I was going over and there was nothing I could do about it. I went over head first. To my luck, as the coulee eroded away to create the two dips, it left soft dirt behind to catch me. When I hit I remember thinking to myself, ‘this is going to hurt.’ My hands dug deep into the forgiving soil up to my elbows, and my bike cam next. As it twisted free of my legs it landed directly on the back of my head. Well Helmets save lives. I know this because I let a nice face impression in the dirt. When I cam to a rest at the bottle of the hill in a sprawled mess of legs, wheels, arms, and handle bars; I jumped up as quick as I could to see if anyone saw my failed attempt at flying.

M last experience, it was not to long ago, I came closer to flying then any other. It was a Sunday and I had just finished work. It was noon and church started at one. I was rushing to get home a get ready, because I knew my wife was going to be standing at the door saying, “come on we don’t have much time.” It was raining out, well more like a heavy mist that clung to everything. I had my bike in high gear and I was really booking it. I did not care how wet I got; I was going to shower anyways. Well the bike path that ran along the golf course here in Taber has a pole in the middle of it and a chain link fence that separates the civic center and the golf course. There was rain in my eyes and I thought I was over far enough to avoid the pole…. No… I wrapped my bike around it good, and I was air borne like my favourite childhood supper hero Supper Man. I flew a good twenty feet before I attempted (I use this word in the loosest way possible) a dive roll landing. My feet went up into the air, and I did a yoga head stand for a brief moment, and fell to my back and continued sliding off the path and into the tall grass where I finally came to a stop some thirty to forty feet away from the pole (and again, helmets save lives). My bike found itself some distance away from the pole in the grass in a twisted heap. I picked it up straightened the handle bars and attempted to ride home. I quickly realised I could not ride on a front tire bent into a “U”. So I pushed my bike home in the rain the twenty minuet walk it took me to get home. By the time I got to the end of the golf course the rain had stopped and the golfers appeared out of no where on the course. “Are you ok?” they asked. “Ho yea, I just wanted to push my bike home.” When I did finally get home, there was my wife standing in the driveway, “what happened to you?” Needless to say I still made it to church on time.

What did I learn from these experiences? Don’t crash into the back of my neighbour’s van. Avoid hidden rocks, a good life lesion in avoiding hidden dangers. Finally, never go riding without a helmet. You never know when you are going to get hit in the back of the head by a bike.

I am a child of God, who are you?

Mormon Video: I Am A Child of God
I linked to this blog because she said many thing that go had in had with the point I am making.

We are all children of a kind and loving eternal Heavenly Father, and we deserve the same love and respect as anyone else. Regardless of how anyone may feel about the decisions we may make or the choices we have. Ife we decide to change ourselves fully or partially, or if we decide to wear more woman’s fashions or act in a manor that is more feminine. Every one makes choices and everyone makes mistakes.
That does not change the fact that I am a child of God

Dyslexia compounds everything.

Famous People with Dyslexia, Autism and ADHD

We all have good days where everything seems to go well. We also have bad days, that sometimes seem to turn into weeks, months, or even years. I think it has been for the most part one of those bad years for me. There has been more downs then ups; though I still try my hardest to keep a positive out look on life. At work I show a happy face, and for the most part it is real, but deep down I am hurting inside by a pain that most will never understand.
I just came out of one of those dark times that lasted several weeks that left me feeling like I was standing in a dark cloud of mist. I was there in body, but not in mind. I was just going through the motions but I was not there. At its darkest was last Wednesday night. That day I had gotten something in the mail, which was expected, but not welcome. It signified the death of a part of my life. This was not the trigger of the dark spell, but was the frosting on the cake, and yes I would have rather been lost in a vat of frosting then been where I was. So the accumulation of everything that happened over the past couple of weeks and the unwanted mail drove me the closest to the edge I have been since my youth. I found myself driving slowly down the dark gravel roads that crisscross the farm land by Taber. It was close to midnight, and as tears of sorrow rolled down my cheeks, I pleated in my heart to my heavenly father to take me home. I could not do it myself.
The days are looking brighter now.
What is dyslexia, and what does it do to me? The“National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke”define dyslexia as.
Dyslexia is a brain-based type of learning disability that specifically impairs a person's ability to read. These individuals typically read at levels significantly lower than expected despite having normal intelligence. Although the disorder varies from person to person, common characteristics among people with dyslexia are difficulty with phonological processing (the manipulation of sounds), spelling, and/or rapid visual-verbal responding.
Dyslexia is more than that; it is more of a visual based learning system. I learn by seeing and them doing. It also affects more then just reading. It affects social skills. The same problems that make it hard to learn how to read (more in a minuet) make it hard to learn proper social skills as well. The problems occur when disorientation sets in. Disorientation is all the funny visual thing that you hear a dyslexics describe.
Now how dyslexia makes it hard to learn to read. Because dyslexics are a visual learners, we need visual clues. Thus descriptive words are good. “Black Cat” we see a black cat. But them we come across what are called trigger words; the, a, and, is, and so forth. There are many others, and basically they are words that a dyslexic can not visualise. So what happened when we start reading? When we hit a trigger word our visual mind or minds eye tries to figure out what this word is. The mind eye will pick up the word and flip it around reverse the letters rotate the letter and many other variations in an attempt to create a visual representation of the word. How do we create a visual representation of the word “the?” When you take a simple three letter word like “the;” in the end, in a two dimensional view, the dyslexic is left with 49 different variations of “the” and no clue as to the meaning of the word. In a three dimensional view of the word (as in my case) the 49 different variations are much greater; infinite. This all happens in a fraction of a second and the mind moves on to the next word. Every time we hit a trigger word everything we had read up to that point is lost and disorientation starts to set in.


This video is a good example of what happens during disorientation.
Dyslexia affects how I interact with others. How I say stuff without thinking things through properly to find the best meaning. I will say something with the best of interests and the utmost kindness, but come out wrong and I offend people unknowingly. It isn’t until I sit and think it through that I realise what I had said may have hurt someone. When this gets mixed with the dysphoria of being transgender, it complicates matters more. So, growing up I wanting to interact as a girl. I played Barbie’s with my sister until it was no longer cool for her to play Barbie’s with her little brother. As time went on I realised that it was not socially acceptable for me to interact as a girl. So I was forced to try to learn how to interact as a boy. I had not clue how to do that, so I pretended and put on a front. I made myself like boy things and played with the boy toys that I had been given.
So I apologise to anyone that I have offended by the things I have said or done; for not being around much and commenting, and the fact that I may not be around often either. Until I can get this dysphoria under control; please bear with me as I struggle through all of my challenges as I am doing me best.
Since I have given up pretending to be more male, I have started voicing my feminine opinion more often, and I have started acting less male. It has made it increasingly more difficult to manage the dysphoria. And I find myself slipping back into those dark places more often.

Happy Fathers Day

No matter how strongly we may feel on the inside, it will never change the fact that we are and will always be fathers to our children. That is a divinely appointed and scared position given to us from a kind and merciful Heavenly Father.

L. Tom Perry, Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave an inspiring insight into the Father’s Roles in the home from his April 2004 conference address, “Fatherhood, an Eternal Calling”
Given such urgent warnings about the future of our Father in Heaven’s children, fathers and mothers must search their souls to be certain they are following the Lord’s direction in building up eternal families. Focusing on fathers, what does the Lord expect us to do?
Once a family has been established, the father’s roles include the following:
1. The father is the head in his family.
“Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it always will be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home. It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of [divine] appointment.”
Your leadership in the home must include leading in family worship.
“You preside at the meal table, at family prayer. You preside at family home evening; and as guided by the Spirit of the Lord, you see that your children are taught correct principles. It is your place to give direction relating to all of family life.
“You give father’s blessings. You take an active part in establishing family rules and discipline. As a leader in your home you plan and sacrifice to achieve the blessing of a unified and happy family. To do all of this requires that you live a family-centered life.”
As President Joseph F. Smith counselled: “Brethren, there is too little religious devotion, love, and fear of God, in the home; too much worldliness, selfishness, indifference, and lack of reverence in the family, or it never would exist so abundantly on the outside. Then, the home is what needs reforming. Try today, and tomorrow, to make a change in your home.”
Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. As President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught: “In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals.” Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity. Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.
2. The father is a teacher.
President Joseph F. Smith’s counsel applies today: “Do not let your children out to specialists … , but teach them by your own precept and example, by your own fireside. Be a specialist yourself in the truth.”
“When you recognize the importance of teaching your children, you become humble, because at once you realize that this is accomplished by precept and example. You cannot be one thing and effectively teach another. You must live and study and pray for the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. You must purify and organize your life so that your example and leadership reflect the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
“You must plan your day as guided by the Spirit of the Lord, earnestly seeking your own welfare and the welfare of your family before other cares blind you to these first responsibilities. As we have been taught by living prophets, ‘No other success in life can compensate for failure in the home’ (David O. McKay, in Conference Report, Apr. 1964, 5; quoted from J. E. McCulloch, Home: The Savior of Civilization [1924], 42).”
3. The father is the temporal provider.
President Ezra Taft Benson expressed it clearly: “The Lord has charged men with the responsibility to provide for their families in such a way that the wife is allowed to fulfill her role as mother in the home. … Sometimes the mother works outside of the home at the encouragement, or even insistence, of her husband … [for the] convenience[s] that the extra income can buy. Not only will the family suffer in such instances, brethren, but your own spiritual growth and progression will be hampered.”
Fathers, by divine decree, you are to preside over your family units. This is a sobering responsibility and the most important one you will ever assume, for it is an eternal responsibility. You place the family in its proper priority. It’s the part of your life that will endure beyond the grave. I testify that the following statement is true:
“The position which men occupy in the family, and especially those who hold the Melchizedek Priesthood, is one of first importance and should be clearly recognized and maintained in the order and with the authority which God conferred upon man in placing him at the head of his household.
“… There is no higher authority in matters relating to the family organization, and especially when that organization is presided over by one holding the higher priesthood, than that of the father. … The patriarchal order is of divine origin and will continue throughout time and eternity. There is then a particular reason why men, women, and children should understand this order and this authority in the households of the people of God, and seek to make it what God intended it to be, a qualification and preparation for the highest exaltation of His children. In the home the presiding authority is always vested in the father, and in all home affairs and family matters there is no other authority paramount.”

I have become so focused lately on Anima the woman inside; I started to loose sight of the rolls I have to play here in mortality. Today in sacrament meeting I was inspired by some of the talks given about fatherhood and the important roll we have in the lives of our families.

Let us not loose sight of where we stand.

Ormie the Pig

I shared this video on Facebook earlier,

And it made me think of how I struggle with my gender. I am Ormie and no matter how hart I try. I can never seem to get the cookie I want.

Taber Tornado 2012

So this is the second part to the post I made earlier. I was able to snap those shots of the Venus Transit just before the sky clouded over from a severe thunder storm that was quickly making its was up from Montana. So after supper I decided to go out and take some pictures of the storm as it rolls in.
I drove out past Barnwell, which is just west of Taber, and snapped some pictures of the giant storm front. At this time I had the distinct impression that I should head back. The storm appeared to be moving pretty swiftly. I passed the thought off, and then continued on heading further west until I came to the small community of Cranford. By this time the storm was directly above and it was starting to hail, stones that varied in size from large marbles to golf ball, so I decided to head back. As I drove, I watched the clouds move in all different directions. The lower clouds where moving at a rapid pace from south to north (the news said the storm was tracking north at about 50 kilometres per hour) swirling and twisting like the flesh of some big unseen beast, and the upper clouds being driven by a cold strong north-westerly wind that ploughed heavily into the giant storm beast with great force. The panoramic picture I took at this time just west of Barnwell looking east towards Taber. I thought to myself, “I need to get home before this gets any worse.” I continued on in my little Ford Escort along the divided highway that skirts the little town of Barnwell to the south and continues on to Taber. As I rounded Barnwell at the point farthest south on the highway, the sky went black as night and the entire eastern horizon was brown from mud being scooped up by the powerful storm. My car was shaking from the wind as I slowed to a crawl and noticed other motorist stopping on the highway, and some where driving into the ditches. I finally decided to stop just before the highway straitened out and headed directly into Taber. My path was completely blocked by a giant wall of mud; that to my dismay was heading straight for me. As it struck, my little car shook violently and felt like it was being pushed sideways across the road. I was scarcely able to see the headlights of the car that had pulled up just behind me through the mud and grass and debris being picked up by the storm. I was scared out of my mind. I like to chase storms from a very safe distance. And it was plain stupidity and not listening to the prompting of the spirit which got me into this mess. My next prompting was to get out of there. So I turned around, going the wrong way, and made my way back to Barnwell. I quickly drove out of the flying mud and found a place to cross onto the right side of the highway. When I entered Barnwell I quickly took shelter behind the LDS chapel like many others. My heart was racing and I could feel it throbbing in rapid secession in my throat as I vowed to never ignore another prompting from the spirit.
(I did not take this video) I waited there until the skies lightened up and the worst of it had passed. After careful consideration, and thinking of what just happened of the highway, I decided to take a different road home. I drove north of Barnwell to Huckleberry road and turned east towards Taber. The skies where defiantly brighter, but the gale force wind blew and whipped the heavy rain across the road making the visibility nearly impossible. At a point just about directly north of where I turned around was a Pivot that was picked up and twisted like a cork screw and strewn across the field. As I slowly made my way home the sheer force and majesty of the storm was made known to me; large tree limbs strewn across the road, mettle siding torn from building and twisted and scattered through farmer’s fields all around. It was a harrowing experience I do not care to repeat.
When I did finally got home, power was out to most of the town, and I found my mother visibly shaken and hiding in a storage closet with a single candle. My heart broke for her as tears of relief started to form in her eyes. And again I vowed to never ignore the prompting of the spirit.
The Lord taught me a valuable lesion here that I shale not soon forget. Always follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Venus Transit 2012

I had wanted to observe and capture this rare celestial event, but I had nothing to watch it without damaging my eyes and my camera. So what does any computer savvy person do; I Googled it. From what I read; I needed a #14 welders lens to block out the harmful UV rays. Well in a small farming community like Taber, and just one hour before show time, I looked and looked and looked and could not find any #14 Welders lens. The darkest one I could find was a #11, so that is what I end up using. I think they turned out rather spectacular.

Acceptance & Understanding

This morning as I was wallowing in self pity, I started thinking. What if these trials we face are not just for ourselves, but also to teach those around us acceptance and understanding.

Fruits Baskets

A Fairytale for the Rejected

I love Anime a little, ok well a lot. Ever since I was young. I grew up watching Astro Boy, Dragon Ball, The Samurai Pizza Cats, and many more. But I found this series on Netflix and it struck something in me.

When high school student Tohru Honda's mother dies in a car accident, Tohru begins living in a tent and supporting herself. That is, until she finds a home in the least likely of places, inhabited by her classmate Yuki Sohma and his cousins Shigure and Kyo. The Sohmas however, live with a curse. Thirteen members of the family are possessed by spirits of the Chinese zodiac and turn into their zodiac animal when hugged by the opposite gender, are weak, or when under stress. When Tohru discovers the Sohmas' secret, she promises not to tell and is allowed to keep living with them. The Sohma's curse, however, is deeper and darker than Tohru realized, but her presence soon becomes a large, positive influence on those possessed by the zodiac. She sets out to break the curse, and on the way, meets and discovers each of the Sohma's vengeful zodiac spirits. Each has a different personality, just like the animals in the Chinese Zodiac. Tohru's existence changes the Sohma clan's lives forever...
From Wikipedia

I was able to relate to the characters in the story in a way I think most can’t. I have felt; I have been cursed with this secret that I have no control over. I did not choose this, but I have to deal with the shame and fear that comes with being transgender. The whole series deals with finding acceptance and understanding with both yourself and also with others. There are many inspirational quotes about acceptance and understanding…

[To Kyo Sohma]
If you think of someone's good qualities as the umeboshi in an onigiri, it's as if their qualities are stuck to their back! People around the world are like onigiri. Everyone has an umeboshi with a different shape and color and flavor. But because it's stuck on their back, they might not be able to see their umeboshi. "There's nothing special about me. I'm just white rice." [in her head] That's not true. There is an umeboshi -- on your back. [aloud] Maybe the reason people get jealous of each other, is because they can see so clearly the umeboshi on other people's backs. I can see them, too. I can see them perfectly. There's an amazing umeboshi on your back, Kyo-kun.
[To Kyo Sohma]
(referring to the letter for Kisa from the teacher) Here. It says to 'like yourself.' But good things about yourself... how are you supposed to find them? I only know things I hate about myself. 'Cause that's all I know, I hate myself. But even if you force yourself to find good things... it feels so empty. It doesn't work that way. People like your teacher just don't get it. I think... when you hear someone say they like you, for the first time... then you can begin to like yourself. I think when someone accepts you, for the first time... you feel like you can... forgive yourself a little. You can begin to face your fears... with courage.

I also feel one of the characters may be transgender. It is just a hunch, but it does not say anything directly. I found the show fun, inspirational, uplifting, and full of the typical Anime humour. You can watch the sheries on the Funimation website.

I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum

A few days ago I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum. We had been debating a number of things, one of which was whether it was wrong for a transgender to transition. Well I kind of lost my head a little until I took the time to step back, regroup and write what exactly I wanted to say. And this is the comment I left…

Thank you funky town, I did step back and you kind of hit a tender nerve with me.I am sensitive to this whole transgender thing. I have grown up as a transgender and gone through all the heartache of feeling out of place in my own body. There have been times when I have look at myself in the mirror and felt this overwhelming disgust with what I see. I have hated myself and loathed being in my own presence. I have been mistreated in school and in the church because I act different. People do not know that I am transgender, but they can see I am different in some way and they seem to think that gives them the right to treat me poorly.

When I found this forum I thought; great, I have found a place with people like me who have struggled like me. I saw this forum as a place to share stories and encourage others in their struggles. I read great stories from some of the authors on this forum as Perigon, Katie 77584, slamjet, Spartan117, and many others. They shared their ideas and I was encouraged and inspired by them. They helped me and I hope others who struggle, or those who do not understand. I then I started reading some of the responses, like the one I quoted, [I hate to say it, but I don't know why a transgendered person would want to join the LDS church, or a true hermaphodite for that matter. After all, the issue with transgendered is that their brains were wired differently, and no amount of therapy helps. For those who get the surgery, it's the only option other than suicide that helps. What those people need is real compassion, not judgment.] a lot of those statments made me feel like I was a sinner and the only way back was to simply stop feeling like this. Like I could just turn it off like a tap.
You asked; What if it won't make you happy? This is the very narrow minded and ignorant statement that I have been talking about. The stats contradict this statement you make, and even from the article you quoted in a previous post. Transgender Americans face high suicide risk- Health - Health care - More health news - msnbc.comstate that the suicide rate before surgery is 41%. And in two other articles.BBC NEWS | Health | Sex-change patients' opsuccess, Most Patients Who Have Male-To-Female Sex-Change Surgery Are Happy,Despite Complications, both state 88% art happy and in a follow up with 70 of the original 222, 80% where still happy. The stats say yes. I have read many accounts that say they are happier after surgery. SRS helps. I have also heard many say that even before surgery they feel better on hormone replacement therapy.

I would like to share a story of a friend, and this is what he said.
“I do not have gender identity dysphoria, but my daughter does. I raised her as my son for 19 years before she told me. She was the shining example in our ward, president of her priesthood quorums and fist assistant to the bishop. She attended an LDS Curriculum private high school and was active in the student body. I was looking forward to her attending a mission and raising my grandchildren.
“She first told me that she was attracted to other boys. My wife and I were devastated, but we made sure she knows that we loved her and that would never change. I was serving in a bishopric at the time so I got out my manual and tried to understand what the Lord had said about this. She quit coming to church, but has never lost her testimony.
“Then she told me that she was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but assured me that she didn't intend to actually do anything about it. (I think she thought this was what I wanted to hear.) A few months later, late one evening she came to me and said that she had just tried to hurt herself and that although she stopped she realized she needed professional help.
“I realized at that moment that I would rather have a transgender daughter who was healthy and happy, than a miserable son who was so tortured that he contemplated suicide. That evening I decided that if she needed to transition I would support her all the way.“

I would like you to take a few minutes to read the story of Alex Chrisholm - Riding the Gender Pendulum. He has an amazing story and he has been through hell and back. In spite of everything; his stake president supported him despite how he feels.  “With a heavy heart, I informed my local Church leaders of my decision. Fortunately, they cared a great deal for me and showed me nothing but love. In the end, I received well wishes from them all with a special commitment by the stake president that if I ever needed anything, he could be called day or night.”
This and the story of my friend is the kind of compassion I am talking about. This is compassion coming from our leaders who are setting the example for us.

Now speaking of myself; at around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken (that I kept my transgender feeling in) so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t do it, I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew. I did not know what I had at the tome, but if I could not be a girl, I wanted to die. On so many occasions that I can not count; I would whish and pray that god would make me a normal happy boy.That is all I wanted to be, was to be happy as a male and feel comfortable in my own body.
So what do you tell someone who you love or care for deeply comes to you and says that they would rather die than endure anymore of the emotional torment they feel? These feeling are not a lifestyle choice.These feeling are not a result of a bad diction; they come from birth. Who would choose that kind if persecution if they had the choice.
I am not going to transition; it is not the right choice for me. For the same reasons as Alex chose to retune to being male, and I fear that one day I will not be able to withstand.

Now I ask another question; what about Hermaphrodite (the proper term is Intersex)? Is it considered mutilating their genitals when they chose a sex?  Or if the parents chose the sex at birth of the Intersexed child, and the child identifies with the other sex? It is changing their physical body.
Also I want you to consider Androgen insensitivity. You take some one who is genetically male but is borne with complete Androgen insensitivity. They are born looking like a girl; they grow up believing and being happy as a girl. It isn’t until later in life when complications arise that they find out. What where they suppose to be; Boy or Girl?This is just two examples of the gray area around this whole gender thing, and the more you contemplate it the grayer it becomes. Many say that Intersex is another form of Transgender.
The lord does not judge us all as a whole. He does not hold everyone to the same standards. He judges us individually. In the address By Elder M. Russell Ballard: Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not he talks by the judgement of Christ.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.
We learn in the scriptures that the blood of Christ will atone for the sins of men “who have died not knowing the will of God concerning them, or who have ignorantly sinned.” (Mosiah 3:11.)
I want you to learn about us transgendered people before you pass judgment whether it is right or wrong. Go to my Blog - All of Me: The Transgender Woman Inside and read about me, my experiences, and my beliefs. Then follow some of the other blogs that I follow. Transition may not be right for all, but maybe right for some. So I give you the same challenge. Consider what I have said here. A lot of what I say is not modern society talking; it comes from deep personal experience. I have been there in those bad experiences, I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, and I have attempted Suicide. I agree with most of what you are saying. I just don’t agree with how you are saying it. For that reason I have been preaching compassion.

Glenn Beck on Transgender Beating Video

I watched this Fox News Insider video on YouTube today and it made me sick. Then I found the Glenn Beck video, and I think Glenn said it all and there is not much more I can say.

Brain Function

A friend sent this to me and I wanted to make a post of it.  If you can read this you have a strong mind.

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R3AD 7H15.

Welcome to my life.

when I read this; I related to it compleatly.

I wrote this about two months ago. I was about ready to give up. I hated myself and wanted to die. So I decided to put my feelings to word and get them out of my head. This is what I wrote…
If I could somehow transform into a woman and become a mother I would do so in a heart beat. Even at the risk of condemning myself for eternity. I would at least have one lifetime with the experience of being a mother; Feeling all the joys, pains and sorrows both physical and mental. Being pregnant, giving birth and sharing that special bond only a mother and child can share. My hearts ache is a dull throb with each heart beat that caused my entire being to quake beneath my anguish. My soul howls bitter tears and I am rend between what I feel in my very core what was rightfully mine but denied, and trying to pleas my heavenly father by doing his will. I try my hardest not to curse God for what I have to go through, and fight myself when those feelings come and not entertain them. I have a hard time going to my father in prayer because of this resentment I feel.
I no longer feel this way; it was during one of those many dark times in my life. And during times like these I just want to retreat into a dark place and hide from the world. I become incredibly sad and just want to cry all my sadness out. I am miserable and I hate feeling this way. And I long for the better brighter days to come once again. I still feel those feeling bubble to the surface, but I try not to entertain them and just let them pass. I know I will eventually hit another dark time like that; where I will be overcome by these feeling, and I pray that I will have the strength not to let it become another dark time.

Every time I see this video it makes me cry.
I may not be gay, but the pain and heartache is the same. Being bullied and treated badly for acting different. There is no place in this world for such reckless hatred.

Over the past two years I have changed a great deal. I once would have done anything, and given anything to become a woman. It was the one and only thing that occupied my mind. Becoming a woman was all I desired. This desire or impulse to become a woman is just as strong if not stronger than an addiction. The difference; I did not choose this like an addict chooses to partake in a substance. I am borne with this and it will never go away. No amount of abstaining will lessen the want, there is nothing I can take that will feed the desire, and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. It is like being stuck in withdrawal forever with this uncontrolled passion my whole life. The only way out is Gender reassignment surgery, or death. I am not saying this is an addiction; I am simply using this to illustrate how strongly I feel. Now considering SRS and suicide are no options, then now I do not have many places to turn to. So I turned to the lord. After counselling with my therapist and a great deal of deep soul searching I found what I am suppose to do.
This has been an incredible journey of self discovery I would never give up. The road has been hard with many bumps and steep edges. Many times I have wanted to give up, and I know that many more times I will yet want to give up further along the way. It has been long hard and difficult, but this difficult path I have had to walk has made me the person I am today, and I would never give that up. I am proud of whom I have become, and I do not what to hide from that any more. I want to be able to talk freely about being transgender with anyone who is willing to listen.

Facebook kinda freaks me out.

Being a transgender person I have always been private. I have had to be in order to protect myself. I like to keep my personal life personal, and the beauty of this blog is that it is completely anonymous. It may come to no surprise that giantCplus is not my real name. But facebook is the exact opposite of that. You share what you are doing with all your friends to keep them informed. When, like me, you keep most of that secret and hidden from the world out of fear that they may find out you are different; it’s kinda hard.
So after several years of constant badgering from family, friends, and co-workers I decided to join facebook. Then I had a slight break down where I could not deal with people and just wanted to hide. When I got home from work, I did hide for about 8 hours or so. Every time I get an e-mail my cell phone chimes and in the past 24 hours after signing up for face book I got maybe around 50 e-mails from facebook of friend requests and acceptance of friend requests. With each e-mail my heart would race and I would break into a cold sweet. I have never felt so exposed.
I think I am over it now and as time passes I will warm up to facebook more. I know to some this may seem crazy, but for some one like me who is not use to sharing stuff about myself to people who know who I am is kind of difficult.

Can we make being transgender bearable?

I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep, and I was thinking about being transgender.  I was not feeling the impulse as strong as it can be, and I thought to myself, “This is not too bad, if it would stay this way I could be happy.”  That got me thinking even more; what if there was something I could do to keep it that way.  Maybe something I could take or a procedure that would take the GID away.  So then I thought the question, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”  That would mean giving up any hope of ever being female.

I have thought long and hard about this question many times over the years.  In the past I would have said no.  I wanted too much to be a girl, and a mother, and even on my bad days when the GID act up and I am overcome by the intense desire and want to be a woman I still would say no.  Now when I am not feeling the intense desire pulling at my heart stings, and I have made the decision to remain how my heavenly father intended me to be; I can say yes.  I would give anything to feel the peace and contentment about my gender continually as I did last night.  And it scares me that at any moment I can be over come by the want and be drawn down beep within the depths of despair, and the feeling that the only way to feel happy and complete is to become a woman. 

So I ask the question again, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”

special

I found this picture online and it made me laugh out loud, so I had to make a post for it.

All My life I have never had many friends.

All My life I have never had many friends. I was the one what was always excluded in almost everything, and it seemed to me that no one wanted to have anything to do with me. As a small child in elementary school most of my friends where girls; I associated with them better and had more in common with them. As time passed and things change in children, the girls no longer wanted to play with a boy. I eventually had very few friends. I was different from the other boys, and as such I was picked on. They did not know why I was different, or what made me different, but my being different seemed to make it ok for them to miss treat me.
Growing up as a Transgender, and not knowing what it was and why, made it hard for me to learn proper social skills. I knew that I was a girl on the inside, and out of instinct wanted to act as such, but knew I could not. So I forced myself to act like a boy. I did not do a very good job of it. So I was made fun of for acting more girly. I tried my hardest to fit in but the harder I tried the more I was picked on. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. So I gave up trying. Instead of trying to make friends I became the quiet loner in the back that none spoke to. When I did say something I got scoffed at. But for the most part the picking slowed down too a light ridicule. Instead I was treated with a mild neglect, like a stray dog no one wanted around. And this is how I went through most of my school years.
When I started going to seminary; once a week we had a devotional that one student had to give. When it came to my turn I came up with what I thought was a good Idea. I took a dart board and fastened two pictured one on top of the other to it. The top one was of a unhappy overweight school boy. Then I took the darts and started labelling them: fatty, nerd, looser, dork, freak, and any other mean name I could think of. When I got to class and set everything up, I gave each student a turn to throw the darts at the picture. They where hooting and hollering; I got him in the nose, I got him in the eye, and so forth. Once every one had a turn I took the picture of the unhappy boy down to reveal the picture of Jesus. There where several loud gasps as the room fell into silence. You could clearly see where the sharp darts pierced the face of our saviour. I then quoted, Matthew 25:40 “…Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” And I sat down. I do not know the impact that had on anyone there, no one said anything to me after, but I felt I had made my point.
As time went on I went to college and noting seemed to change. I was still being treated with the same placid abandon. No one could be bothered with me. I knew I was different, and everyone else could see I was different but did not know why. This was starting to eat me up inside. As I was starting to attend the student ward in my area I came to a conclusion: I simply did not care anymore. I spent so much time worrying about what others thought about me, that I did not think about what I though about me. If I did think about what I thought about myself; it was negative. I could not live up to the expectations I gave myself based on what other thought about me. So I decided to no longer care about what others thought about me. If they did not like me for who I was, that was no sweat off my back. The only person they hurt was themselves. I will continue to go on without them. That is what I kept telling myself.
As time went on, I continued this mind set through out my adult life, and make it a point if someone did not like me, that I do not care. I show them that I am not bothered by their negative attitude, turn my back and continue on. For the most part I have gained the respect of the people I work with and they know what to expect out of me. They know I am a little girly, and may think I am gay, but I can’t be bothered to let that get me down. Do not get me wrong, I do not use this attitude with people who are close to me. Their opinion matters most to me. I am now known as a positive person and can even joke around about my disinterest in what are typically male activities. So my point is: if people see that they can’t affect me, by making fun of me, because I am different. They simply give up; because they are not getting out of me the response they want.

Fear

Well I was looking for another word for Mind and I came across this quote:

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear (Edmund Burke).

I started to think about how fear has played a roll in my life.  The more general fears; being found out, acting girly, and so on.  Then I started thinking about the more subtle fears I feel.  The fear that I will take being transgender into the after life.  The fear of how people will preserve me when I start talking more about myself.  I fear that if I don’t start telling people about myself; I may miss helping someone who might truly need my help.  I fear I may not be strong enough to continue to the end.  I fear that I may not be able to move forward in my life and better myself.  One of my biggest fears is that one day I will wake up and realise my entire life has been spent doing something I hate just to pay the bills. 

What is the antidote to fear?  I think it is courage, and I would like the share my favourite quote about courage.  It is from the Princess Diaries. 

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important.  The courageous do not live forever, but the fearful do not live at all.”

Songs that I find Thrilling

This is a small list of some of the music that has inspired me and moved me in ways I can’t explain.

• Apocalyptica - Hall of the mountain King (I would not recommend many other song of theirs.  It’s very dark stuff)
• Darude – Sandstorm
• DJ Mystik - Star Wars A New Hope (Rave Remix)
• Enya - May it be
• Grieg's Peer Gynt Suite No.1 - Dovregubbens hall (In the Hall of the Mountain King)
• James Newton-Howard - Lady In The Water - The Healing
• Johann Sebastian Bach - Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring
• Johann Sebastian Bach - Tocata y Fuga in d minor
• LDS Music - The Olive Tree
• Leahy - B Minor
• Lex de Azevedo - If You Could Hide to Kolob
• Lex de Azevedo – Praise to the man
• Ludwig van Beethoven - 'Für Elise' Bagatelle in a Minor No. 59
• Ludwig van Beethoven - Symphony No. 6 in F major ''Pastoral''
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - All Creatures Of Our God And King
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir – A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief (All 7 Verses)
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Be Still, My Soul 
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Called To Serve
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir – Praise to the man
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - The Spirit of God
• newton –  streamline
• Pachabel - Canon In D Major (Full Orchestration)
• Saturday's Warrior - Saturday's Warrior (Closing) (Lyrics) 
• Susan Boyle - Britains Got Talent 2009 - One of the best inspirational videos ever
• t r a n c e [] c o n t r o l - This Is My House
• Yanni – Felitsa
• Yanni - Marching Season
• Yanni – Nostalgia

I have found these songs absolutely thrilling in so many ways, and have helped me through countless dark times.  They are what help me to keep my sanity.

Dark paths

Proverbs 3:6

"In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

I had wanted to write sooner, but I have not been here in mind much. It has taken me everything that I have inside from straying down some very dark paths. I have been struggling with my gender now for several weeks, and I have been conflicted on how I am to find balance between the woman on the inside and the male roll I have decided to take on here in mortality. Two weeks ago when I was sitting in a session with my therapist, he wanted me to try and find a balance in my life. I have been struggling with it ever since. I feel Anima wants to take control and she is not willing to find a balance.

I have thought long and hard about what I need to do to find balance, and it is not an easy thing. There is not just one thing that I have to do, there are many.

Well maybe calling it “balance” is the wrong thing. Every time I try and give a little to Anima she tells me that it is not enough. For example, I bought several pars of purple socks that I ware to work on a regular basis as a way to honour the woman inside. But deep down I feel that is not enough for her. If she had her own way, I would be reborn in a female body, and that will never happen. So I think “inner peace” is a better term for my situation.

So how do I find inner peace when I am staring down the dark path of pornography that in the past has effectively dulled the pain I feel for wanting so bad to be a Woman. The Sunday school answers are the first to come to mind; read my scriptures, say my prayers, and attend my Sunday meetings. They are the easiest ones to do and are suppose to bring the greatest amount of comfort. They are extremely difficult to do if I am having trouble finding the desire to do them.

When I am staring down the dark path of shame, anger and self loathing; what do I do? Finding inner peace when the very thought of myself fills my mind with unbearable hatred. When I feel the intense want to be a woman wash over me I feel the dark deep rifts of shame open up, and I am swallowed up by rage and an intense disgust for myself. Shame has become a constant companion of mine here in this life. I feel it as embarrassment for feeling this way, as unworthiness after viewing inappropriate content on the internet, and disgust as I do things that I am not proud of. But… “Empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish, and douse it with empathy it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we are in a struggle: me too” — Brené Brown - Listening to shame. “Shame is the swamp land of the soul.”

There are many dark paths I have stared down, but suffice to say these are the two of the darker ones. But what about this antidote to shame: Empathy? What is empathy, and how can it defeat shame? Be aware that empathy and sympathy are not the same.
Britannica Concise Encyclopaedia defines empathy as: [The] ability to imagine oneself in another's place and understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. … The empathic actor or singer is one who genuinely feels the part he or she is performing. The spectator of a work of art or the reader of a piece of literature may similarly become involved in what he or she observes or contemplates….
So in order to divest myself of shame I need to feel empathy for those who suffer as well.
Marvin J. Ashton (Give with Wisdom That They May Receive with Dignity) said: Wherever these lost sheep may be, a necessary ingredient for helping is empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s feelings and to feel what he feels. Meaningful help can never be given without empathy for the recipient. This requires gaining the confidence of the person; listening with eyes, ears, and heart; trying to comprehend how this person feels; and then letting him know by your personal performance that you really understand. One who really understands and practices empathy doesn’t solve another’s problems, doesn’t argue, doesn’t top his story, make accusations, or take away free agency. He merely helps the person build his self-reliance and self-image so he can try to find his own solutions.

One of the many things to finding inner peace is to have empathy for others, and I can then rid myself of shame that I feel for being this way.

How can I help others; when I, myself need help?

On my first visit with my therapist he recommended that I read “The mindful path to self compassion” by Christopher Germer, PhD. I am not going to go into any great detail about the book, but he quotes the Dalai Lama. “[Compassion] is the state of wishing that the object of our compassion be free of suffering… yourself first, and then in a more advanced way the aspiration will embrace others” So in short the book teaches how to have compassion for oneself through meditation. It is an amazing book with the power to move your own emotional mountains. The concept be hid this book is like nothing else, and Brene Brown allude to it when she said “they have the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others. Because as it turns out we can’t practice compassion on other people if we cant treat ourselves kindly.”

How does all this add up? I have mentioned several things that have contributed to my lack of inner peace; Anima not wanting to make a compromise, Pornography, and the shame I feel. Through all of this I have started to realise some of my solutions as well; Empathy and mindful meditation will both help me find inner peace. No I have not forgotten the Sunday school answers either. They are what I need in order to find the lord in my inner peace. It has been so long since I practiced them regularly that I am having difficulty finding the desire to take them up again. With persistent practice I will find the desire once again.

These are but a few things I need to do to find inner peace. Like I said there are many, and it will be a constant struggle to keep the peace. I can’t keep hiding who I am and pretending to be someone else in order to make everyone else more comfortable, while I am eating myself up inside. That is why I am going to “fearlessly be myself.” I am going to make myself Vulnerable in spite of my insecurities. Brené Brown in: The power of vulnerability, says it best.

• let our self be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.
• to love with our whole hearts even though there is not guarantee.
• to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror when we are wondering: can I love you this much? Can I believe in this as passionately? Can I be this fierce about this? Just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen just say, “I feel grateful to feel this vulnerable means I am alive.”
• I am enough
• believe I am worthy of love and belonging
• courage to be imperfect

Now what I need to do is just do it. That is where I am having my problems. I have this desire to better myself and to move on in my life, but I can’t seem to make the first step. I feel like I am spinning my wheels and I am going nowhere fast. I see the journey ahead of me, and I guess I think it is far too great and I become discouraged. While in personal prayer I am pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me, that if there is something I need to do to find the motivation, he will help me see it. I thought there was something I needed to do; that it would just click. Click like a light going on in my head, and I would find the inspiration to move forward. As I pleated I heard this still small voice whisper in my mind “Take the first step.” With the distinct impression that this is all it takes. No grand revelation. No epiphany that will send me on a stead fast journey. This is just a plain and simple truth. I am grateful for personal revelation when in comes in times of quiet contemplation and prayer. I am thankful that the lord is still mindful of me in my struggles as I strive to return unto my heavenly father.
I apologise if this sound preachy and kind of like a sacrament meeting talk, this is just me working things out in my head and coming to realisations I needed to move forward.

Music

Being transgender; Music has helped me get through some tough times

I love music; though I can not play an instrument, nor could I carry a tune in a bucket to save my life. I have a deep and profound love and respect for it. When I am down it sooth my spirit and helps to lighten my burdens when I become depressed because of my GID. When I am all alone, listening to a beautiful classical piece, I will turn it up and let the notes surround me. The sounds of the melody massage and penetrate deep into every fibber of my being and caress my soul.

“Hymns can lift our spirits, give us courage, and move us to righteous action. They can fill our souls with heavenly thoughts and bring us a spirit of peace.” ("First Presidency Preface," Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, (1998))

Music has been very inspirational to me and has helped me through some very dark and trying times in my life. I like what Elder Boyd K. Packer had to say about this.

“I realize that in today’s world it’s often difficult to keep your mind filled with worthy thoughts. This takes careful control. However, it can be done when you make a safe place for your thoughts to go. I’ve found a way to make such a place, and I’d like to share it with you. It has to do with music—worthy music. A wise man once said, ‘Music is one of the most forceful instruments for governing the mind.’ Whether it governs in a positive way or a negative way is determined by what it brings onto the stage of your mind. If you can say that a song is spiritually inspiring or that it urges you to see yourself in a more noble perspective, the music is worthwhile. If it merely entertains or lifts your spirits, then it also has a useful place. But if it makes you want to respond in a carnal, sensual way or to consider unrighteous desires, then that music should be avoided. It is not worthy." (Boyd K. Packer, “Worthy Music, Worthy Thoughts,” New Era, Apr. 2008, 6–11.)

It has been a big part of my life and has shaped who I am, and it has made me think. If I could be a song, and I had to chose one that would represent me and sum up who I am in a melody it would be this one. 

(D&C 25:12) For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.
(D&C 136:28) If thou art merry, praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and thanksgiving.

I am a Child of God

God accepts all his children; including transgender.

As a young child I was teased by my older siblings about acting girly. At the time I was not fully aware of the difference between boys and girls but I knew I wanted to be like my older sister. I followed her around and she was my best friend. When I was six I was very well aware about the difference between boys and girls, and I knew that I did not want to be a boy. I look at my daughter and I am glad that she does not go through what I have. At her age, six years old, she does not have the slightest care in the world about the difference between boys and girls. She talks about all the kids in her class as her friends. My earliest recollections of physically doing something about my gender were around six. I would secretly try on girl clothes, and be petrified of getting caught. All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had an intense fear of someone finding out that I wanted to be a girl. So I put on this front and pretended to be more male. I made myself like boy things, and tried to hide the fact that I felt like a girl on the inside.
Over the years I became an expert at hiding it, even from my mother. I remember at night in bed while secretly trying on girl clothes; I whished and wanted so bad to be a girl. I was so confused. Why did Heavenly Father make me this Way? He does not make mistakes. How could I kneel in prayer to him and ask him why? “You gave me this wonderful body, but I am not happy with it.” What a slap in the face. So I felt all alone in this struggle.
Growing up most of my best friends where Girls; I associated better with them, and as I grew that changed, I then had no friends. I was continually teased by my peers for being more feminine (or Gay, which I am not). I would try and bottle up these feelings of being a girl and suppress them, and pretend they where not there, but over time the pressure would build and I could feel my emotions slipping. I would not be able to contain it and the bottle would breaker. The desire to be female would come flooding over me uncontrollably, and for a while I would not be able to control my feelings and be over whelmed with this intense desire. Slowly I would go spiralling into a depression and I would have to fight tooth and nail to suppress it once again. I have gone through this cycle all my life, and every time this cycle repeats it becomes harder to bottle up again.
At around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew.
I share this dark time in my life that you might understand the light. By nature I am a happy fun loving person. I try to take joy in all the little things life has to offer. But I feel a battle raging inside of me. between the joy that comes so naturally to me, and the hurt, anger, sorrow, jealousy, envy that I feel when I want so bad to be a girl. I now know that God stayed my hand that night and preserved my life. I am grateful to him for that. He saw in me something greater that I could not see or understand at the time. The words to I am a Child of God struck home to me.

I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I am a child of God,
And so my needs are great;
Help me to understand his words
Before it grows to late.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I am a child of God.
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will
I'll live with him once more.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I am a child of God.
His promises are sure;
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I think this song was written for me in my times of ordeal. I know that I am a child of God and he has blessed me with a set of trials designed specifically for me; the only thing sufficiently strong to test my worthiness to live with him. I love God, and am grateful for the atoning sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. I know that Christ lives and that he died that I might live once again. I am overjoyed to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of later day Saints, and the knowledge and light the gospel of Jesus Christ brings into my life. In the past I may not have seen it, but I have been blessed as Nephi said it, “having been born of goodly parents…” (1 Nephi 1:1) and been born into the gospel.

The Olive Tree

 In this Blog I would like to attempt to educate people on being transgender, and persuade them to come unto Christ. I want to educate those in the LDS Church about Transgender people and dispel the myths and stigmatism that environ us. I want them to know that we are just as deserving of the blessings of Christ as anyone else, and we are not sinners for feeling this way. This is simply a trial given to us by our Heavenly Father to test our worthiness just like anyone else. I also want to reach out and touch those suffering with this disorder as I have and show them that there is acceptance and understanding within the church. I do not want someone to suffer needlessly and all alone as I have in a self imposed prison simply because I did not know. I would like to see more resources within the church designed to reach out to those who suffer with this disorder. I think this EFY song “The Olive Tree” embodies how I feel and my desire to help.

Now to understand my desire to help, you need to understand where I come from. By nature I thought I was a sinner. These feelings I had, at the time I didn’t know what it was, I thought where of the devil. I hade this overwhelming desire to serve God and faith in him, but innately I was evil. Ever since I have been a very small child I have wanted to be a girl and being so confused about who I am. Why would God do this to me? So I thought Satin knew something about me that I did not, and used it to make me feel this way and there was nothing I could do about it. By nature I was a sinner.
Over a year ago during one of the darkest times in my life, my faith was at its lowest, and my wife was in the process of moving out with our only child. I did not know what to call what I had, and all that I did know was I hated myself for feeling this way. I wanted to die! My life was spiralling out of control, so I decided to put a face to my disorder. I started looking for what caused this and in the process I found the term Gender Identity disorder, or GID. I was all alone, and out of complete desperation, I googled; “GID and the LDS church”. I found a discussion on LDS.net dealing with GID. I found a blog named “Sweet Is the Peace” of an LDS man with amazing faith dealing with GID. And I found a discussion group on the North Star website. I read amazing stories about people suffering just as I have, and finding peace. I wanted that. I did a lot of soul searching and came to a great realisation. This is for my benefit and eternal progression.