Dyslexia compounds everything.

Famous People with Dyslexia, Autism and ADHD

We all have good days where everything seems to go well. We also have bad days, that sometimes seem to turn into weeks, months, or even years. I think it has been for the most part one of those bad years for me. There has been more downs then ups; though I still try my hardest to keep a positive out look on life. At work I show a happy face, and for the most part it is real, but deep down I am hurting inside by a pain that most will never understand.
I just came out of one of those dark times that lasted several weeks that left me feeling like I was standing in a dark cloud of mist. I was there in body, but not in mind. I was just going through the motions but I was not there. At its darkest was last Wednesday night. That day I had gotten something in the mail, which was expected, but not welcome. It signified the death of a part of my life. This was not the trigger of the dark spell, but was the frosting on the cake, and yes I would have rather been lost in a vat of frosting then been where I was. So the accumulation of everything that happened over the past couple of weeks and the unwanted mail drove me the closest to the edge I have been since my youth. I found myself driving slowly down the dark gravel roads that crisscross the farm land by Taber. It was close to midnight, and as tears of sorrow rolled down my cheeks, I pleated in my heart to my heavenly father to take me home. I could not do it myself.
The days are looking brighter now.
What is dyslexia, and what does it do to me? The“National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke”define dyslexia as.
Dyslexia is a brain-based type of learning disability that specifically impairs a person's ability to read. These individuals typically read at levels significantly lower than expected despite having normal intelligence. Although the disorder varies from person to person, common characteristics among people with dyslexia are difficulty with phonological processing (the manipulation of sounds), spelling, and/or rapid visual-verbal responding.
Dyslexia is more than that; it is more of a visual based learning system. I learn by seeing and them doing. It also affects more then just reading. It affects social skills. The same problems that make it hard to learn how to read (more in a minuet) make it hard to learn proper social skills as well. The problems occur when disorientation sets in. Disorientation is all the funny visual thing that you hear a dyslexics describe.
Now how dyslexia makes it hard to learn to read. Because dyslexics are a visual learners, we need visual clues. Thus descriptive words are good. “Black Cat” we see a black cat. But them we come across what are called trigger words; the, a, and, is, and so forth. There are many others, and basically they are words that a dyslexic can not visualise. So what happened when we start reading? When we hit a trigger word our visual mind or minds eye tries to figure out what this word is. The mind eye will pick up the word and flip it around reverse the letters rotate the letter and many other variations in an attempt to create a visual representation of the word. How do we create a visual representation of the word “the?” When you take a simple three letter word like “the;” in the end, in a two dimensional view, the dyslexic is left with 49 different variations of “the” and no clue as to the meaning of the word. In a three dimensional view of the word (as in my case) the 49 different variations are much greater; infinite. This all happens in a fraction of a second and the mind moves on to the next word. Every time we hit a trigger word everything we had read up to that point is lost and disorientation starts to set in.


This video is a good example of what happens during disorientation.
Dyslexia affects how I interact with others. How I say stuff without thinking things through properly to find the best meaning. I will say something with the best of interests and the utmost kindness, but come out wrong and I offend people unknowingly. It isn’t until I sit and think it through that I realise what I had said may have hurt someone. When this gets mixed with the dysphoria of being transgender, it complicates matters more. So, growing up I wanting to interact as a girl. I played Barbie’s with my sister until it was no longer cool for her to play Barbie’s with her little brother. As time went on I realised that it was not socially acceptable for me to interact as a girl. So I was forced to try to learn how to interact as a boy. I had not clue how to do that, so I pretended and put on a front. I made myself like boy things and played with the boy toys that I had been given.
So I apologise to anyone that I have offended by the things I have said or done; for not being around much and commenting, and the fact that I may not be around often either. Until I can get this dysphoria under control; please bear with me as I struggle through all of my challenges as I am doing me best.
Since I have given up pretending to be more male, I have started voicing my feminine opinion more often, and I have started acting less male. It has made it increasingly more difficult to manage the dysphoria. And I find myself slipping back into those dark places more often.

Taber Tornado 2012

So this is the second part to the post I made earlier. I was able to snap those shots of the Venus Transit just before the sky clouded over from a severe thunder storm that was quickly making its was up from Montana. So after supper I decided to go out and take some pictures of the storm as it rolls in.
I drove out past Barnwell, which is just west of Taber, and snapped some pictures of the giant storm front. At this time I had the distinct impression that I should head back. The storm appeared to be moving pretty swiftly. I passed the thought off, and then continued on heading further west until I came to the small community of Cranford. By this time the storm was directly above and it was starting to hail, stones that varied in size from large marbles to golf ball, so I decided to head back. As I drove, I watched the clouds move in all different directions. The lower clouds where moving at a rapid pace from south to north (the news said the storm was tracking north at about 50 kilometres per hour) swirling and twisting like the flesh of some big unseen beast, and the upper clouds being driven by a cold strong north-westerly wind that ploughed heavily into the giant storm beast with great force. The panoramic picture I took at this time just west of Barnwell looking east towards Taber. I thought to myself, “I need to get home before this gets any worse.” I continued on in my little Ford Escort along the divided highway that skirts the little town of Barnwell to the south and continues on to Taber. As I rounded Barnwell at the point farthest south on the highway, the sky went black as night and the entire eastern horizon was brown from mud being scooped up by the powerful storm. My car was shaking from the wind as I slowed to a crawl and noticed other motorist stopping on the highway, and some where driving into the ditches. I finally decided to stop just before the highway straitened out and headed directly into Taber. My path was completely blocked by a giant wall of mud; that to my dismay was heading straight for me. As it struck, my little car shook violently and felt like it was being pushed sideways across the road. I was scarcely able to see the headlights of the car that had pulled up just behind me through the mud and grass and debris being picked up by the storm. I was scared out of my mind. I like to chase storms from a very safe distance. And it was plain stupidity and not listening to the prompting of the spirit which got me into this mess. My next prompting was to get out of there. So I turned around, going the wrong way, and made my way back to Barnwell. I quickly drove out of the flying mud and found a place to cross onto the right side of the highway. When I entered Barnwell I quickly took shelter behind the LDS chapel like many others. My heart was racing and I could feel it throbbing in rapid secession in my throat as I vowed to never ignore another prompting from the spirit.
(I did not take this video) I waited there until the skies lightened up and the worst of it had passed. After careful consideration, and thinking of what just happened of the highway, I decided to take a different road home. I drove north of Barnwell to Huckleberry road and turned east towards Taber. The skies where defiantly brighter, but the gale force wind blew and whipped the heavy rain across the road making the visibility nearly impossible. At a point just about directly north of where I turned around was a Pivot that was picked up and twisted like a cork screw and strewn across the field. As I slowly made my way home the sheer force and majesty of the storm was made known to me; large tree limbs strewn across the road, mettle siding torn from building and twisted and scattered through farmer’s fields all around. It was a harrowing experience I do not care to repeat.
When I did finally got home, power was out to most of the town, and I found my mother visibly shaken and hiding in a storage closet with a single candle. My heart broke for her as tears of relief started to form in her eyes. And again I vowed to never ignore the prompting of the spirit.
The Lord taught me a valuable lesion here that I shale not soon forget. Always follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum

A few days ago I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum. We had been debating a number of things, one of which was whether it was wrong for a transgender to transition. Well I kind of lost my head a little until I took the time to step back, regroup and write what exactly I wanted to say. And this is the comment I left…

Thank you funky town, I did step back and you kind of hit a tender nerve with me.I am sensitive to this whole transgender thing. I have grown up as a transgender and gone through all the heartache of feeling out of place in my own body. There have been times when I have look at myself in the mirror and felt this overwhelming disgust with what I see. I have hated myself and loathed being in my own presence. I have been mistreated in school and in the church because I act different. People do not know that I am transgender, but they can see I am different in some way and they seem to think that gives them the right to treat me poorly.

When I found this forum I thought; great, I have found a place with people like me who have struggled like me. I saw this forum as a place to share stories and encourage others in their struggles. I read great stories from some of the authors on this forum as Perigon, Katie 77584, slamjet, Spartan117, and many others. They shared their ideas and I was encouraged and inspired by them. They helped me and I hope others who struggle, or those who do not understand. I then I started reading some of the responses, like the one I quoted, [I hate to say it, but I don't know why a transgendered person would want to join the LDS church, or a true hermaphodite for that matter. After all, the issue with transgendered is that their brains were wired differently, and no amount of therapy helps. For those who get the surgery, it's the only option other than suicide that helps. What those people need is real compassion, not judgment.] a lot of those statments made me feel like I was a sinner and the only way back was to simply stop feeling like this. Like I could just turn it off like a tap.
You asked; What if it won't make you happy? This is the very narrow minded and ignorant statement that I have been talking about. The stats contradict this statement you make, and even from the article you quoted in a previous post. Transgender Americans face high suicide risk- Health - Health care - More health news - msnbc.comstate that the suicide rate before surgery is 41%. And in two other articles.BBC NEWS | Health | Sex-change patients' opsuccess, Most Patients Who Have Male-To-Female Sex-Change Surgery Are Happy,Despite Complications, both state 88% art happy and in a follow up with 70 of the original 222, 80% where still happy. The stats say yes. I have read many accounts that say they are happier after surgery. SRS helps. I have also heard many say that even before surgery they feel better on hormone replacement therapy.

I would like to share a story of a friend, and this is what he said.
“I do not have gender identity dysphoria, but my daughter does. I raised her as my son for 19 years before she told me. She was the shining example in our ward, president of her priesthood quorums and fist assistant to the bishop. She attended an LDS Curriculum private high school and was active in the student body. I was looking forward to her attending a mission and raising my grandchildren.
“She first told me that she was attracted to other boys. My wife and I were devastated, but we made sure she knows that we loved her and that would never change. I was serving in a bishopric at the time so I got out my manual and tried to understand what the Lord had said about this. She quit coming to church, but has never lost her testimony.
“Then she told me that she was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but assured me that she didn't intend to actually do anything about it. (I think she thought this was what I wanted to hear.) A few months later, late one evening she came to me and said that she had just tried to hurt herself and that although she stopped she realized she needed professional help.
“I realized at that moment that I would rather have a transgender daughter who was healthy and happy, than a miserable son who was so tortured that he contemplated suicide. That evening I decided that if she needed to transition I would support her all the way.“

I would like you to take a few minutes to read the story of Alex Chrisholm - Riding the Gender Pendulum. He has an amazing story and he has been through hell and back. In spite of everything; his stake president supported him despite how he feels.  “With a heavy heart, I informed my local Church leaders of my decision. Fortunately, they cared a great deal for me and showed me nothing but love. In the end, I received well wishes from them all with a special commitment by the stake president that if I ever needed anything, he could be called day or night.”
This and the story of my friend is the kind of compassion I am talking about. This is compassion coming from our leaders who are setting the example for us.

Now speaking of myself; at around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken (that I kept my transgender feeling in) so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t do it, I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew. I did not know what I had at the tome, but if I could not be a girl, I wanted to die. On so many occasions that I can not count; I would whish and pray that god would make me a normal happy boy.That is all I wanted to be, was to be happy as a male and feel comfortable in my own body.
So what do you tell someone who you love or care for deeply comes to you and says that they would rather die than endure anymore of the emotional torment they feel? These feeling are not a lifestyle choice.These feeling are not a result of a bad diction; they come from birth. Who would choose that kind if persecution if they had the choice.
I am not going to transition; it is not the right choice for me. For the same reasons as Alex chose to retune to being male, and I fear that one day I will not be able to withstand.

Now I ask another question; what about Hermaphrodite (the proper term is Intersex)? Is it considered mutilating their genitals when they chose a sex?  Or if the parents chose the sex at birth of the Intersexed child, and the child identifies with the other sex? It is changing their physical body.
Also I want you to consider Androgen insensitivity. You take some one who is genetically male but is borne with complete Androgen insensitivity. They are born looking like a girl; they grow up believing and being happy as a girl. It isn’t until later in life when complications arise that they find out. What where they suppose to be; Boy or Girl?This is just two examples of the gray area around this whole gender thing, and the more you contemplate it the grayer it becomes. Many say that Intersex is another form of Transgender.
The lord does not judge us all as a whole. He does not hold everyone to the same standards. He judges us individually. In the address By Elder M. Russell Ballard: Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not he talks by the judgement of Christ.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.
We learn in the scriptures that the blood of Christ will atone for the sins of men “who have died not knowing the will of God concerning them, or who have ignorantly sinned.” (Mosiah 3:11.)
I want you to learn about us transgendered people before you pass judgment whether it is right or wrong. Go to my Blog - All of Me: The Transgender Woman Inside and read about me, my experiences, and my beliefs. Then follow some of the other blogs that I follow. Transition may not be right for all, but maybe right for some. So I give you the same challenge. Consider what I have said here. A lot of what I say is not modern society talking; it comes from deep personal experience. I have been there in those bad experiences, I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, and I have attempted Suicide. I agree with most of what you are saying. I just don’t agree with how you are saying it. For that reason I have been preaching compassion.

Glenn Beck on Transgender Beating Video

I watched this Fox News Insider video on YouTube today and it made me sick. Then I found the Glenn Beck video, and I think Glenn said it all and there is not much more I can say.

Welcome to my life.

when I read this; I related to it compleatly.

I wrote this about two months ago. I was about ready to give up. I hated myself and wanted to die. So I decided to put my feelings to word and get them out of my head. This is what I wrote…
If I could somehow transform into a woman and become a mother I would do so in a heart beat. Even at the risk of condemning myself for eternity. I would at least have one lifetime with the experience of being a mother; Feeling all the joys, pains and sorrows both physical and mental. Being pregnant, giving birth and sharing that special bond only a mother and child can share. My hearts ache is a dull throb with each heart beat that caused my entire being to quake beneath my anguish. My soul howls bitter tears and I am rend between what I feel in my very core what was rightfully mine but denied, and trying to pleas my heavenly father by doing his will. I try my hardest not to curse God for what I have to go through, and fight myself when those feelings come and not entertain them. I have a hard time going to my father in prayer because of this resentment I feel.
I no longer feel this way; it was during one of those many dark times in my life. And during times like these I just want to retreat into a dark place and hide from the world. I become incredibly sad and just want to cry all my sadness out. I am miserable and I hate feeling this way. And I long for the better brighter days to come once again. I still feel those feeling bubble to the surface, but I try not to entertain them and just let them pass. I know I will eventually hit another dark time like that; where I will be overcome by these feeling, and I pray that I will have the strength not to let it become another dark time.

Every time I see this video it makes me cry.
I may not be gay, but the pain and heartache is the same. Being bullied and treated badly for acting different. There is no place in this world for such reckless hatred.

Over the past two years I have changed a great deal. I once would have done anything, and given anything to become a woman. It was the one and only thing that occupied my mind. Becoming a woman was all I desired. This desire or impulse to become a woman is just as strong if not stronger than an addiction. The difference; I did not choose this like an addict chooses to partake in a substance. I am borne with this and it will never go away. No amount of abstaining will lessen the want, there is nothing I can take that will feed the desire, and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. It is like being stuck in withdrawal forever with this uncontrolled passion my whole life. The only way out is Gender reassignment surgery, or death. I am not saying this is an addiction; I am simply using this to illustrate how strongly I feel. Now considering SRS and suicide are no options, then now I do not have many places to turn to. So I turned to the lord. After counselling with my therapist and a great deal of deep soul searching I found what I am suppose to do.
This has been an incredible journey of self discovery I would never give up. The road has been hard with many bumps and steep edges. Many times I have wanted to give up, and I know that many more times I will yet want to give up further along the way. It has been long hard and difficult, but this difficult path I have had to walk has made me the person I am today, and I would never give that up. I am proud of whom I have become, and I do not what to hide from that any more. I want to be able to talk freely about being transgender with anyone who is willing to listen.

Facebook kinda freaks me out.

Being a transgender person I have always been private. I have had to be in order to protect myself. I like to keep my personal life personal, and the beauty of this blog is that it is completely anonymous. It may come to no surprise that giantCplus is not my real name. But facebook is the exact opposite of that. You share what you are doing with all your friends to keep them informed. When, like me, you keep most of that secret and hidden from the world out of fear that they may find out you are different; it’s kinda hard.
So after several years of constant badgering from family, friends, and co-workers I decided to join facebook. Then I had a slight break down where I could not deal with people and just wanted to hide. When I got home from work, I did hide for about 8 hours or so. Every time I get an e-mail my cell phone chimes and in the past 24 hours after signing up for face book I got maybe around 50 e-mails from facebook of friend requests and acceptance of friend requests. With each e-mail my heart would race and I would break into a cold sweet. I have never felt so exposed.
I think I am over it now and as time passes I will warm up to facebook more. I know to some this may seem crazy, but for some one like me who is not use to sharing stuff about myself to people who know who I am is kind of difficult.

Can we make being transgender bearable?

I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep, and I was thinking about being transgender.  I was not feeling the impulse as strong as it can be, and I thought to myself, “This is not too bad, if it would stay this way I could be happy.”  That got me thinking even more; what if there was something I could do to keep it that way.  Maybe something I could take or a procedure that would take the GID away.  So then I thought the question, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”  That would mean giving up any hope of ever being female.

I have thought long and hard about this question many times over the years.  In the past I would have said no.  I wanted too much to be a girl, and a mother, and even on my bad days when the GID act up and I am overcome by the intense desire and want to be a woman I still would say no.  Now when I am not feeling the intense desire pulling at my heart stings, and I have made the decision to remain how my heavenly father intended me to be; I can say yes.  I would give anything to feel the peace and contentment about my gender continually as I did last night.  And it scares me that at any moment I can be over come by the want and be drawn down beep within the depths of despair, and the feeling that the only way to feel happy and complete is to become a woman. 

So I ask the question again, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”

All My life I have never had many friends.

All My life I have never had many friends. I was the one what was always excluded in almost everything, and it seemed to me that no one wanted to have anything to do with me. As a small child in elementary school most of my friends where girls; I associated with them better and had more in common with them. As time passed and things change in children, the girls no longer wanted to play with a boy. I eventually had very few friends. I was different from the other boys, and as such I was picked on. They did not know why I was different, or what made me different, but my being different seemed to make it ok for them to miss treat me.
Growing up as a Transgender, and not knowing what it was and why, made it hard for me to learn proper social skills. I knew that I was a girl on the inside, and out of instinct wanted to act as such, but knew I could not. So I forced myself to act like a boy. I did not do a very good job of it. So I was made fun of for acting more girly. I tried my hardest to fit in but the harder I tried the more I was picked on. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. So I gave up trying. Instead of trying to make friends I became the quiet loner in the back that none spoke to. When I did say something I got scoffed at. But for the most part the picking slowed down too a light ridicule. Instead I was treated with a mild neglect, like a stray dog no one wanted around. And this is how I went through most of my school years.
When I started going to seminary; once a week we had a devotional that one student had to give. When it came to my turn I came up with what I thought was a good Idea. I took a dart board and fastened two pictured one on top of the other to it. The top one was of a unhappy overweight school boy. Then I took the darts and started labelling them: fatty, nerd, looser, dork, freak, and any other mean name I could think of. When I got to class and set everything up, I gave each student a turn to throw the darts at the picture. They where hooting and hollering; I got him in the nose, I got him in the eye, and so forth. Once every one had a turn I took the picture of the unhappy boy down to reveal the picture of Jesus. There where several loud gasps as the room fell into silence. You could clearly see where the sharp darts pierced the face of our saviour. I then quoted, Matthew 25:40 “…Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” And I sat down. I do not know the impact that had on anyone there, no one said anything to me after, but I felt I had made my point.
As time went on I went to college and noting seemed to change. I was still being treated with the same placid abandon. No one could be bothered with me. I knew I was different, and everyone else could see I was different but did not know why. This was starting to eat me up inside. As I was starting to attend the student ward in my area I came to a conclusion: I simply did not care anymore. I spent so much time worrying about what others thought about me, that I did not think about what I though about me. If I did think about what I thought about myself; it was negative. I could not live up to the expectations I gave myself based on what other thought about me. So I decided to no longer care about what others thought about me. If they did not like me for who I was, that was no sweat off my back. The only person they hurt was themselves. I will continue to go on without them. That is what I kept telling myself.
As time went on, I continued this mind set through out my adult life, and make it a point if someone did not like me, that I do not care. I show them that I am not bothered by their negative attitude, turn my back and continue on. For the most part I have gained the respect of the people I work with and they know what to expect out of me. They know I am a little girly, and may think I am gay, but I can’t be bothered to let that get me down. Do not get me wrong, I do not use this attitude with people who are close to me. Their opinion matters most to me. I am now known as a positive person and can even joke around about my disinterest in what are typically male activities. So my point is: if people see that they can’t affect me, by making fun of me, because I am different. They simply give up; because they are not getting out of me the response they want.

Fear

Well I was looking for another word for Mind and I came across this quote:

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear (Edmund Burke).

I started to think about how fear has played a roll in my life.  The more general fears; being found out, acting girly, and so on.  Then I started thinking about the more subtle fears I feel.  The fear that I will take being transgender into the after life.  The fear of how people will preserve me when I start talking more about myself.  I fear that if I don’t start telling people about myself; I may miss helping someone who might truly need my help.  I fear I may not be strong enough to continue to the end.  I fear that I may not be able to move forward in my life and better myself.  One of my biggest fears is that one day I will wake up and realise my entire life has been spent doing something I hate just to pay the bills. 

What is the antidote to fear?  I think it is courage, and I would like the share my favourite quote about courage.  It is from the Princess Diaries. 

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important.  The courageous do not live forever, but the fearful do not live at all.”