Dyslexia compounds everything.

Famous People with Dyslexia, Autism and ADHD

We all have good days where everything seems to go well. We also have bad days, that sometimes seem to turn into weeks, months, or even years. I think it has been for the most part one of those bad years for me. There has been more downs then ups; though I still try my hardest to keep a positive out look on life. At work I show a happy face, and for the most part it is real, but deep down I am hurting inside by a pain that most will never understand.
I just came out of one of those dark times that lasted several weeks that left me feeling like I was standing in a dark cloud of mist. I was there in body, but not in mind. I was just going through the motions but I was not there. At its darkest was last Wednesday night. That day I had gotten something in the mail, which was expected, but not welcome. It signified the death of a part of my life. This was not the trigger of the dark spell, but was the frosting on the cake, and yes I would have rather been lost in a vat of frosting then been where I was. So the accumulation of everything that happened over the past couple of weeks and the unwanted mail drove me the closest to the edge I have been since my youth. I found myself driving slowly down the dark gravel roads that crisscross the farm land by Taber. It was close to midnight, and as tears of sorrow rolled down my cheeks, I pleated in my heart to my heavenly father to take me home. I could not do it myself.
The days are looking brighter now.
What is dyslexia, and what does it do to me? The“National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke”define dyslexia as.
Dyslexia is a brain-based type of learning disability that specifically impairs a person's ability to read. These individuals typically read at levels significantly lower than expected despite having normal intelligence. Although the disorder varies from person to person, common characteristics among people with dyslexia are difficulty with phonological processing (the manipulation of sounds), spelling, and/or rapid visual-verbal responding.
Dyslexia is more than that; it is more of a visual based learning system. I learn by seeing and them doing. It also affects more then just reading. It affects social skills. The same problems that make it hard to learn how to read (more in a minuet) make it hard to learn proper social skills as well. The problems occur when disorientation sets in. Disorientation is all the funny visual thing that you hear a dyslexics describe.
Now how dyslexia makes it hard to learn to read. Because dyslexics are a visual learners, we need visual clues. Thus descriptive words are good. “Black Cat” we see a black cat. But them we come across what are called trigger words; the, a, and, is, and so forth. There are many others, and basically they are words that a dyslexic can not visualise. So what happened when we start reading? When we hit a trigger word our visual mind or minds eye tries to figure out what this word is. The mind eye will pick up the word and flip it around reverse the letters rotate the letter and many other variations in an attempt to create a visual representation of the word. How do we create a visual representation of the word “the?” When you take a simple three letter word like “the;” in the end, in a two dimensional view, the dyslexic is left with 49 different variations of “the” and no clue as to the meaning of the word. In a three dimensional view of the word (as in my case) the 49 different variations are much greater; infinite. This all happens in a fraction of a second and the mind moves on to the next word. Every time we hit a trigger word everything we had read up to that point is lost and disorientation starts to set in.


This video is a good example of what happens during disorientation.
Dyslexia affects how I interact with others. How I say stuff without thinking things through properly to find the best meaning. I will say something with the best of interests and the utmost kindness, but come out wrong and I offend people unknowingly. It isn’t until I sit and think it through that I realise what I had said may have hurt someone. When this gets mixed with the dysphoria of being transgender, it complicates matters more. So, growing up I wanting to interact as a girl. I played Barbie’s with my sister until it was no longer cool for her to play Barbie’s with her little brother. As time went on I realised that it was not socially acceptable for me to interact as a girl. So I was forced to try to learn how to interact as a boy. I had not clue how to do that, so I pretended and put on a front. I made myself like boy things and played with the boy toys that I had been given.
So I apologise to anyone that I have offended by the things I have said or done; for not being around much and commenting, and the fact that I may not be around often either. Until I can get this dysphoria under control; please bear with me as I struggle through all of my challenges as I am doing me best.
Since I have given up pretending to be more male, I have started voicing my feminine opinion more often, and I have started acting less male. It has made it increasingly more difficult to manage the dysphoria. And I find myself slipping back into those dark places more often.

I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum

A few days ago I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum. We had been debating a number of things, one of which was whether it was wrong for a transgender to transition. Well I kind of lost my head a little until I took the time to step back, regroup and write what exactly I wanted to say. And this is the comment I left…

Thank you funky town, I did step back and you kind of hit a tender nerve with me.I am sensitive to this whole transgender thing. I have grown up as a transgender and gone through all the heartache of feeling out of place in my own body. There have been times when I have look at myself in the mirror and felt this overwhelming disgust with what I see. I have hated myself and loathed being in my own presence. I have been mistreated in school and in the church because I act different. People do not know that I am transgender, but they can see I am different in some way and they seem to think that gives them the right to treat me poorly.

When I found this forum I thought; great, I have found a place with people like me who have struggled like me. I saw this forum as a place to share stories and encourage others in their struggles. I read great stories from some of the authors on this forum as Perigon, Katie 77584, slamjet, Spartan117, and many others. They shared their ideas and I was encouraged and inspired by them. They helped me and I hope others who struggle, or those who do not understand. I then I started reading some of the responses, like the one I quoted, [I hate to say it, but I don't know why a transgendered person would want to join the LDS church, or a true hermaphodite for that matter. After all, the issue with transgendered is that their brains were wired differently, and no amount of therapy helps. For those who get the surgery, it's the only option other than suicide that helps. What those people need is real compassion, not judgment.] a lot of those statments made me feel like I was a sinner and the only way back was to simply stop feeling like this. Like I could just turn it off like a tap.
You asked; What if it won't make you happy? This is the very narrow minded and ignorant statement that I have been talking about. The stats contradict this statement you make, and even from the article you quoted in a previous post. Transgender Americans face high suicide risk- Health - Health care - More health news - msnbc.comstate that the suicide rate before surgery is 41%. And in two other articles.BBC NEWS | Health | Sex-change patients' opsuccess, Most Patients Who Have Male-To-Female Sex-Change Surgery Are Happy,Despite Complications, both state 88% art happy and in a follow up with 70 of the original 222, 80% where still happy. The stats say yes. I have read many accounts that say they are happier after surgery. SRS helps. I have also heard many say that even before surgery they feel better on hormone replacement therapy.

I would like to share a story of a friend, and this is what he said.
“I do not have gender identity dysphoria, but my daughter does. I raised her as my son for 19 years before she told me. She was the shining example in our ward, president of her priesthood quorums and fist assistant to the bishop. She attended an LDS Curriculum private high school and was active in the student body. I was looking forward to her attending a mission and raising my grandchildren.
“She first told me that she was attracted to other boys. My wife and I were devastated, but we made sure she knows that we loved her and that would never change. I was serving in a bishopric at the time so I got out my manual and tried to understand what the Lord had said about this. She quit coming to church, but has never lost her testimony.
“Then she told me that she was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but assured me that she didn't intend to actually do anything about it. (I think she thought this was what I wanted to hear.) A few months later, late one evening she came to me and said that she had just tried to hurt herself and that although she stopped she realized she needed professional help.
“I realized at that moment that I would rather have a transgender daughter who was healthy and happy, than a miserable son who was so tortured that he contemplated suicide. That evening I decided that if she needed to transition I would support her all the way.“

I would like you to take a few minutes to read the story of Alex Chrisholm - Riding the Gender Pendulum. He has an amazing story and he has been through hell and back. In spite of everything; his stake president supported him despite how he feels.  “With a heavy heart, I informed my local Church leaders of my decision. Fortunately, they cared a great deal for me and showed me nothing but love. In the end, I received well wishes from them all with a special commitment by the stake president that if I ever needed anything, he could be called day or night.”
This and the story of my friend is the kind of compassion I am talking about. This is compassion coming from our leaders who are setting the example for us.

Now speaking of myself; at around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken (that I kept my transgender feeling in) so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t do it, I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew. I did not know what I had at the tome, but if I could not be a girl, I wanted to die. On so many occasions that I can not count; I would whish and pray that god would make me a normal happy boy.That is all I wanted to be, was to be happy as a male and feel comfortable in my own body.
So what do you tell someone who you love or care for deeply comes to you and says that they would rather die than endure anymore of the emotional torment they feel? These feeling are not a lifestyle choice.These feeling are not a result of a bad diction; they come from birth. Who would choose that kind if persecution if they had the choice.
I am not going to transition; it is not the right choice for me. For the same reasons as Alex chose to retune to being male, and I fear that one day I will not be able to withstand.

Now I ask another question; what about Hermaphrodite (the proper term is Intersex)? Is it considered mutilating their genitals when they chose a sex?  Or if the parents chose the sex at birth of the Intersexed child, and the child identifies with the other sex? It is changing their physical body.
Also I want you to consider Androgen insensitivity. You take some one who is genetically male but is borne with complete Androgen insensitivity. They are born looking like a girl; they grow up believing and being happy as a girl. It isn’t until later in life when complications arise that they find out. What where they suppose to be; Boy or Girl?This is just two examples of the gray area around this whole gender thing, and the more you contemplate it the grayer it becomes. Many say that Intersex is another form of Transgender.
The lord does not judge us all as a whole. He does not hold everyone to the same standards. He judges us individually. In the address By Elder M. Russell Ballard: Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not he talks by the judgement of Christ.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.
We learn in the scriptures that the blood of Christ will atone for the sins of men “who have died not knowing the will of God concerning them, or who have ignorantly sinned.” (Mosiah 3:11.)
I want you to learn about us transgendered people before you pass judgment whether it is right or wrong. Go to my Blog - All of Me: The Transgender Woman Inside and read about me, my experiences, and my beliefs. Then follow some of the other blogs that I follow. Transition may not be right for all, but maybe right for some. So I give you the same challenge. Consider what I have said here. A lot of what I say is not modern society talking; it comes from deep personal experience. I have been there in those bad experiences, I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, and I have attempted Suicide. I agree with most of what you are saying. I just don’t agree with how you are saying it. For that reason I have been preaching compassion.

Glenn Beck on Transgender Beating Video

I watched this Fox News Insider video on YouTube today and it made me sick. Then I found the Glenn Beck video, and I think Glenn said it all and there is not much more I can say.

Welcome to my life.

when I read this; I related to it compleatly.

I wrote this about two months ago. I was about ready to give up. I hated myself and wanted to die. So I decided to put my feelings to word and get them out of my head. This is what I wrote…
If I could somehow transform into a woman and become a mother I would do so in a heart beat. Even at the risk of condemning myself for eternity. I would at least have one lifetime with the experience of being a mother; Feeling all the joys, pains and sorrows both physical and mental. Being pregnant, giving birth and sharing that special bond only a mother and child can share. My hearts ache is a dull throb with each heart beat that caused my entire being to quake beneath my anguish. My soul howls bitter tears and I am rend between what I feel in my very core what was rightfully mine but denied, and trying to pleas my heavenly father by doing his will. I try my hardest not to curse God for what I have to go through, and fight myself when those feelings come and not entertain them. I have a hard time going to my father in prayer because of this resentment I feel.
I no longer feel this way; it was during one of those many dark times in my life. And during times like these I just want to retreat into a dark place and hide from the world. I become incredibly sad and just want to cry all my sadness out. I am miserable and I hate feeling this way. And I long for the better brighter days to come once again. I still feel those feeling bubble to the surface, but I try not to entertain them and just let them pass. I know I will eventually hit another dark time like that; where I will be overcome by these feeling, and I pray that I will have the strength not to let it become another dark time.

Every time I see this video it makes me cry.
I may not be gay, but the pain and heartache is the same. Being bullied and treated badly for acting different. There is no place in this world for such reckless hatred.

Over the past two years I have changed a great deal. I once would have done anything, and given anything to become a woman. It was the one and only thing that occupied my mind. Becoming a woman was all I desired. This desire or impulse to become a woman is just as strong if not stronger than an addiction. The difference; I did not choose this like an addict chooses to partake in a substance. I am borne with this and it will never go away. No amount of abstaining will lessen the want, there is nothing I can take that will feed the desire, and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. It is like being stuck in withdrawal forever with this uncontrolled passion my whole life. The only way out is Gender reassignment surgery, or death. I am not saying this is an addiction; I am simply using this to illustrate how strongly I feel. Now considering SRS and suicide are no options, then now I do not have many places to turn to. So I turned to the lord. After counselling with my therapist and a great deal of deep soul searching I found what I am suppose to do.
This has been an incredible journey of self discovery I would never give up. The road has been hard with many bumps and steep edges. Many times I have wanted to give up, and I know that many more times I will yet want to give up further along the way. It has been long hard and difficult, but this difficult path I have had to walk has made me the person I am today, and I would never give that up. I am proud of whom I have become, and I do not what to hide from that any more. I want to be able to talk freely about being transgender with anyone who is willing to listen.

Facebook kinda freaks me out.

Being a transgender person I have always been private. I have had to be in order to protect myself. I like to keep my personal life personal, and the beauty of this blog is that it is completely anonymous. It may come to no surprise that giantCplus is not my real name. But facebook is the exact opposite of that. You share what you are doing with all your friends to keep them informed. When, like me, you keep most of that secret and hidden from the world out of fear that they may find out you are different; it’s kinda hard.
So after several years of constant badgering from family, friends, and co-workers I decided to join facebook. Then I had a slight break down where I could not deal with people and just wanted to hide. When I got home from work, I did hide for about 8 hours or so. Every time I get an e-mail my cell phone chimes and in the past 24 hours after signing up for face book I got maybe around 50 e-mails from facebook of friend requests and acceptance of friend requests. With each e-mail my heart would race and I would break into a cold sweet. I have never felt so exposed.
I think I am over it now and as time passes I will warm up to facebook more. I know to some this may seem crazy, but for some one like me who is not use to sharing stuff about myself to people who know who I am is kind of difficult.

All My life I have never had many friends.

All My life I have never had many friends. I was the one what was always excluded in almost everything, and it seemed to me that no one wanted to have anything to do with me. As a small child in elementary school most of my friends where girls; I associated with them better and had more in common with them. As time passed and things change in children, the girls no longer wanted to play with a boy. I eventually had very few friends. I was different from the other boys, and as such I was picked on. They did not know why I was different, or what made me different, but my being different seemed to make it ok for them to miss treat me.
Growing up as a Transgender, and not knowing what it was and why, made it hard for me to learn proper social skills. I knew that I was a girl on the inside, and out of instinct wanted to act as such, but knew I could not. So I forced myself to act like a boy. I did not do a very good job of it. So I was made fun of for acting more girly. I tried my hardest to fit in but the harder I tried the more I was picked on. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. So I gave up trying. Instead of trying to make friends I became the quiet loner in the back that none spoke to. When I did say something I got scoffed at. But for the most part the picking slowed down too a light ridicule. Instead I was treated with a mild neglect, like a stray dog no one wanted around. And this is how I went through most of my school years.
When I started going to seminary; once a week we had a devotional that one student had to give. When it came to my turn I came up with what I thought was a good Idea. I took a dart board and fastened two pictured one on top of the other to it. The top one was of a unhappy overweight school boy. Then I took the darts and started labelling them: fatty, nerd, looser, dork, freak, and any other mean name I could think of. When I got to class and set everything up, I gave each student a turn to throw the darts at the picture. They where hooting and hollering; I got him in the nose, I got him in the eye, and so forth. Once every one had a turn I took the picture of the unhappy boy down to reveal the picture of Jesus. There where several loud gasps as the room fell into silence. You could clearly see where the sharp darts pierced the face of our saviour. I then quoted, Matthew 25:40 “…Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” And I sat down. I do not know the impact that had on anyone there, no one said anything to me after, but I felt I had made my point.
As time went on I went to college and noting seemed to change. I was still being treated with the same placid abandon. No one could be bothered with me. I knew I was different, and everyone else could see I was different but did not know why. This was starting to eat me up inside. As I was starting to attend the student ward in my area I came to a conclusion: I simply did not care anymore. I spent so much time worrying about what others thought about me, that I did not think about what I though about me. If I did think about what I thought about myself; it was negative. I could not live up to the expectations I gave myself based on what other thought about me. So I decided to no longer care about what others thought about me. If they did not like me for who I was, that was no sweat off my back. The only person they hurt was themselves. I will continue to go on without them. That is what I kept telling myself.
As time went on, I continued this mind set through out my adult life, and make it a point if someone did not like me, that I do not care. I show them that I am not bothered by their negative attitude, turn my back and continue on. For the most part I have gained the respect of the people I work with and they know what to expect out of me. They know I am a little girly, and may think I am gay, but I can’t be bothered to let that get me down. Do not get me wrong, I do not use this attitude with people who are close to me. Their opinion matters most to me. I am now known as a positive person and can even joke around about my disinterest in what are typically male activities. So my point is: if people see that they can’t affect me, by making fun of me, because I am different. They simply give up; because they are not getting out of me the response they want.

Music

Being transgender; Music has helped me get through some tough times

I love music; though I can not play an instrument, nor could I carry a tune in a bucket to save my life. I have a deep and profound love and respect for it. When I am down it sooth my spirit and helps to lighten my burdens when I become depressed because of my GID. When I am all alone, listening to a beautiful classical piece, I will turn it up and let the notes surround me. The sounds of the melody massage and penetrate deep into every fibber of my being and caress my soul.

“Hymns can lift our spirits, give us courage, and move us to righteous action. They can fill our souls with heavenly thoughts and bring us a spirit of peace.” ("First Presidency Preface," Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, (1998))

Music has been very inspirational to me and has helped me through some very dark and trying times in my life. I like what Elder Boyd K. Packer had to say about this.

“I realize that in today’s world it’s often difficult to keep your mind filled with worthy thoughts. This takes careful control. However, it can be done when you make a safe place for your thoughts to go. I’ve found a way to make such a place, and I’d like to share it with you. It has to do with music—worthy music. A wise man once said, ‘Music is one of the most forceful instruments for governing the mind.’ Whether it governs in a positive way or a negative way is determined by what it brings onto the stage of your mind. If you can say that a song is spiritually inspiring or that it urges you to see yourself in a more noble perspective, the music is worthwhile. If it merely entertains or lifts your spirits, then it also has a useful place. But if it makes you want to respond in a carnal, sensual way or to consider unrighteous desires, then that music should be avoided. It is not worthy." (Boyd K. Packer, “Worthy Music, Worthy Thoughts,” New Era, Apr. 2008, 6–11.)

It has been a big part of my life and has shaped who I am, and it has made me think. If I could be a song, and I had to chose one that would represent me and sum up who I am in a melody it would be this one. 

(D&C 25:12) For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.
(D&C 136:28) If thou art merry, praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and thanksgiving.

I am a Child of God

God accepts all his children; including transgender.

As a young child I was teased by my older siblings about acting girly. At the time I was not fully aware of the difference between boys and girls but I knew I wanted to be like my older sister. I followed her around and she was my best friend. When I was six I was very well aware about the difference between boys and girls, and I knew that I did not want to be a boy. I look at my daughter and I am glad that she does not go through what I have. At her age, six years old, she does not have the slightest care in the world about the difference between boys and girls. She talks about all the kids in her class as her friends. My earliest recollections of physically doing something about my gender were around six. I would secretly try on girl clothes, and be petrified of getting caught. All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had an intense fear of someone finding out that I wanted to be a girl. So I put on this front and pretended to be more male. I made myself like boy things, and tried to hide the fact that I felt like a girl on the inside.
Over the years I became an expert at hiding it, even from my mother. I remember at night in bed while secretly trying on girl clothes; I whished and wanted so bad to be a girl. I was so confused. Why did Heavenly Father make me this Way? He does not make mistakes. How could I kneel in prayer to him and ask him why? “You gave me this wonderful body, but I am not happy with it.” What a slap in the face. So I felt all alone in this struggle.
Growing up most of my best friends where Girls; I associated better with them, and as I grew that changed, I then had no friends. I was continually teased by my peers for being more feminine (or Gay, which I am not). I would try and bottle up these feelings of being a girl and suppress them, and pretend they where not there, but over time the pressure would build and I could feel my emotions slipping. I would not be able to contain it and the bottle would breaker. The desire to be female would come flooding over me uncontrollably, and for a while I would not be able to control my feelings and be over whelmed with this intense desire. Slowly I would go spiralling into a depression and I would have to fight tooth and nail to suppress it once again. I have gone through this cycle all my life, and every time this cycle repeats it becomes harder to bottle up again.
At around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew.
I share this dark time in my life that you might understand the light. By nature I am a happy fun loving person. I try to take joy in all the little things life has to offer. But I feel a battle raging inside of me. between the joy that comes so naturally to me, and the hurt, anger, sorrow, jealousy, envy that I feel when I want so bad to be a girl. I now know that God stayed my hand that night and preserved my life. I am grateful to him for that. He saw in me something greater that I could not see or understand at the time. The words to I am a Child of God struck home to me.

I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I am a child of God,
And so my needs are great;
Help me to understand his words
Before it grows to late.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I am a child of God.
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will
I'll live with him once more.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I am a child of God.
His promises are sure;
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I think this song was written for me in my times of ordeal. I know that I am a child of God and he has blessed me with a set of trials designed specifically for me; the only thing sufficiently strong to test my worthiness to live with him. I love God, and am grateful for the atoning sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. I know that Christ lives and that he died that I might live once again. I am overjoyed to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of later day Saints, and the knowledge and light the gospel of Jesus Christ brings into my life. In the past I may not have seen it, but I have been blessed as Nephi said it, “having been born of goodly parents…” (1 Nephi 1:1) and been born into the gospel.

The Olive Tree

 In this Blog I would like to attempt to educate people on being transgender, and persuade them to come unto Christ. I want to educate those in the LDS Church about Transgender people and dispel the myths and stigmatism that environ us. I want them to know that we are just as deserving of the blessings of Christ as anyone else, and we are not sinners for feeling this way. This is simply a trial given to us by our Heavenly Father to test our worthiness just like anyone else. I also want to reach out and touch those suffering with this disorder as I have and show them that there is acceptance and understanding within the church. I do not want someone to suffer needlessly and all alone as I have in a self imposed prison simply because I did not know. I would like to see more resources within the church designed to reach out to those who suffer with this disorder. I think this EFY song “The Olive Tree” embodies how I feel and my desire to help.

Now to understand my desire to help, you need to understand where I come from. By nature I thought I was a sinner. These feelings I had, at the time I didn’t know what it was, I thought where of the devil. I hade this overwhelming desire to serve God and faith in him, but innately I was evil. Ever since I have been a very small child I have wanted to be a girl and being so confused about who I am. Why would God do this to me? So I thought Satin knew something about me that I did not, and used it to make me feel this way and there was nothing I could do about it. By nature I was a sinner.
Over a year ago during one of the darkest times in my life, my faith was at its lowest, and my wife was in the process of moving out with our only child. I did not know what to call what I had, and all that I did know was I hated myself for feeling this way. I wanted to die! My life was spiralling out of control, so I decided to put a face to my disorder. I started looking for what caused this and in the process I found the term Gender Identity disorder, or GID. I was all alone, and out of complete desperation, I googled; “GID and the LDS church”. I found a discussion on LDS.net dealing with GID. I found a blog named “Sweet Is the Peace” of an LDS man with amazing faith dealing with GID. And I found a discussion group on the North Star website. I read amazing stories about people suffering just as I have, and finding peace. I wanted that. I did a lot of soul searching and came to a great realisation. This is for my benefit and eternal progression.