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God accepts all his children; including transgender.
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As a young child I was teased by my older siblings about acting girly. At the time I was not fully aware of the difference between boys and girls but I knew I wanted to be like my older sister. I followed her around and she was my best friend. When I was six I was very well aware about the difference between boys and girls, and I knew that I did not want to be a boy. I look at my daughter and I am glad that she does not go through what I have. At her age, six years old, she does not have the slightest care in the world about the difference between boys and girls. She talks about all the kids in her class as her friends. My earliest recollections of physically doing something about my gender were around six. I would secretly try on girl clothes, and be petrified of getting caught. All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had an intense fear of someone finding out that I wanted to be a girl. So I put on this front and pretended to be more male. I made myself like boy things, and tried to hide the fact that I felt like a girl on the inside.
Over the years I became an expert at hiding it, even from my mother. I remember at night in bed while secretly trying on girl clothes; I whished and wanted so bad to be a girl. I was so confused. Why did Heavenly Father make me this Way? He does not make mistakes. How could I kneel in prayer to him and ask him why? “You gave me this wonderful body, but I am not happy with it.” What a slap in the face. So I felt all alone in this struggle.
Growing up most of my best friends where Girls; I associated better with them, and as I grew that changed, I then had no friends. I was continually teased by my peers for being more feminine (or Gay, which I am not). I would try and bottle up these feelings of being a girl and suppress them, and pretend they where not there, but over time the pressure would build and I could feel my emotions slipping. I would not be able to contain it and the bottle would breaker. The desire to be female would come flooding over me uncontrollably, and for a while I would not be able to control my feelings and be over whelmed with this intense desire. Slowly I would go spiralling into a depression and I would have to fight tooth and nail to suppress it once again. I have gone through this cycle all my life, and every time this cycle repeats it becomes harder to bottle up again.
At around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew.
I share this dark time in my life that you might understand the light. By nature I am a happy fun loving person. I try to take joy in all the little things life has to offer. But I feel a battle raging inside of me. between the joy that comes so naturally to me, and the hurt, anger, sorrow, jealousy, envy that I feel when I want so bad to be a girl. I now know that God stayed my hand that night and preserved my life. I am grateful to him for that. He saw in me something greater that I could not see or understand at the time. The words to I am a Child of God struck home to me.
I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I am a child of God,
And so my needs are great;
Help me to understand his words
Before it grows to late.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I am a child of God.
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will
I'll live with him once more.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I am a child of God.
His promises are sure;
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I think this song was written for me in my times of ordeal. I know that I am a child of God and he has blessed me with a set of trials designed specifically for me; the only thing sufficiently strong to test my worthiness to live with him. I love God, and am grateful for the atoning sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. I know that Christ lives and that he died that I might live once again. I am overjoyed to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of later day Saints, and the knowledge and light the gospel of Jesus Christ brings into my life. In the past I may not have seen it, but I have been blessed as Nephi said it, “having been born of goodly parents…” (1 Nephi 1:1) and been born into the gospel.
