special

I found this picture online and it made me laugh out loud, so I had to make a post for it.

All My life I have never had many friends.

All My life I have never had many friends. I was the one what was always excluded in almost everything, and it seemed to me that no one wanted to have anything to do with me. As a small child in elementary school most of my friends where girls; I associated with them better and had more in common with them. As time passed and things change in children, the girls no longer wanted to play with a boy. I eventually had very few friends. I was different from the other boys, and as such I was picked on. They did not know why I was different, or what made me different, but my being different seemed to make it ok for them to miss treat me.
Growing up as a Transgender, and not knowing what it was and why, made it hard for me to learn proper social skills. I knew that I was a girl on the inside, and out of instinct wanted to act as such, but knew I could not. So I forced myself to act like a boy. I did not do a very good job of it. So I was made fun of for acting more girly. I tried my hardest to fit in but the harder I tried the more I was picked on. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. So I gave up trying. Instead of trying to make friends I became the quiet loner in the back that none spoke to. When I did say something I got scoffed at. But for the most part the picking slowed down too a light ridicule. Instead I was treated with a mild neglect, like a stray dog no one wanted around. And this is how I went through most of my school years.
When I started going to seminary; once a week we had a devotional that one student had to give. When it came to my turn I came up with what I thought was a good Idea. I took a dart board and fastened two pictured one on top of the other to it. The top one was of a unhappy overweight school boy. Then I took the darts and started labelling them: fatty, nerd, looser, dork, freak, and any other mean name I could think of. When I got to class and set everything up, I gave each student a turn to throw the darts at the picture. They where hooting and hollering; I got him in the nose, I got him in the eye, and so forth. Once every one had a turn I took the picture of the unhappy boy down to reveal the picture of Jesus. There where several loud gasps as the room fell into silence. You could clearly see where the sharp darts pierced the face of our saviour. I then quoted, Matthew 25:40 “…Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” And I sat down. I do not know the impact that had on anyone there, no one said anything to me after, but I felt I had made my point.
As time went on I went to college and noting seemed to change. I was still being treated with the same placid abandon. No one could be bothered with me. I knew I was different, and everyone else could see I was different but did not know why. This was starting to eat me up inside. As I was starting to attend the student ward in my area I came to a conclusion: I simply did not care anymore. I spent so much time worrying about what others thought about me, that I did not think about what I though about me. If I did think about what I thought about myself; it was negative. I could not live up to the expectations I gave myself based on what other thought about me. So I decided to no longer care about what others thought about me. If they did not like me for who I was, that was no sweat off my back. The only person they hurt was themselves. I will continue to go on without them. That is what I kept telling myself.
As time went on, I continued this mind set through out my adult life, and make it a point if someone did not like me, that I do not care. I show them that I am not bothered by their negative attitude, turn my back and continue on. For the most part I have gained the respect of the people I work with and they know what to expect out of me. They know I am a little girly, and may think I am gay, but I can’t be bothered to let that get me down. Do not get me wrong, I do not use this attitude with people who are close to me. Their opinion matters most to me. I am now known as a positive person and can even joke around about my disinterest in what are typically male activities. So my point is: if people see that they can’t affect me, by making fun of me, because I am different. They simply give up; because they are not getting out of me the response they want.

Fear

Well I was looking for another word for Mind and I came across this quote:

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear (Edmund Burke).

I started to think about how fear has played a roll in my life.  The more general fears; being found out, acting girly, and so on.  Then I started thinking about the more subtle fears I feel.  The fear that I will take being transgender into the after life.  The fear of how people will preserve me when I start talking more about myself.  I fear that if I don’t start telling people about myself; I may miss helping someone who might truly need my help.  I fear I may not be strong enough to continue to the end.  I fear that I may not be able to move forward in my life and better myself.  One of my biggest fears is that one day I will wake up and realise my entire life has been spent doing something I hate just to pay the bills. 

What is the antidote to fear?  I think it is courage, and I would like the share my favourite quote about courage.  It is from the Princess Diaries. 

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important.  The courageous do not live forever, but the fearful do not live at all.”

Songs that I find Thrilling

This is a small list of some of the music that has inspired me and moved me in ways I can’t explain.

• Apocalyptica - Hall of the mountain King (I would not recommend many other song of theirs.  It’s very dark stuff)
• Darude – Sandstorm
• DJ Mystik - Star Wars A New Hope (Rave Remix)
• Enya - May it be
• Grieg's Peer Gynt Suite No.1 - Dovregubbens hall (In the Hall of the Mountain King)
• James Newton-Howard - Lady In The Water - The Healing
• Johann Sebastian Bach - Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring
• Johann Sebastian Bach - Tocata y Fuga in d minor
• LDS Music - The Olive Tree
• Leahy - B Minor
• Lex de Azevedo - If You Could Hide to Kolob
• Lex de Azevedo – Praise to the man
• Ludwig van Beethoven - 'Für Elise' Bagatelle in a Minor No. 59
• Ludwig van Beethoven - Symphony No. 6 in F major ''Pastoral''
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - All Creatures Of Our God And King
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir – A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief (All 7 Verses)
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Be Still, My Soul 
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Called To Serve
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir – Praise to the man
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir - The Spirit of God
• newton –  streamline
• Pachabel - Canon In D Major (Full Orchestration)
• Saturday's Warrior - Saturday's Warrior (Closing) (Lyrics) 
• Susan Boyle - Britains Got Talent 2009 - One of the best inspirational videos ever
• t r a n c e [] c o n t r o l - This Is My House
• Yanni – Felitsa
• Yanni - Marching Season
• Yanni – Nostalgia

I have found these songs absolutely thrilling in so many ways, and have helped me through countless dark times.  They are what help me to keep my sanity.

Dark paths

Proverbs 3:6

"In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

I had wanted to write sooner, but I have not been here in mind much. It has taken me everything that I have inside from straying down some very dark paths. I have been struggling with my gender now for several weeks, and I have been conflicted on how I am to find balance between the woman on the inside and the male roll I have decided to take on here in mortality. Two weeks ago when I was sitting in a session with my therapist, he wanted me to try and find a balance in my life. I have been struggling with it ever since. I feel Anima wants to take control and she is not willing to find a balance.

I have thought long and hard about what I need to do to find balance, and it is not an easy thing. There is not just one thing that I have to do, there are many.

Well maybe calling it “balance” is the wrong thing. Every time I try and give a little to Anima she tells me that it is not enough. For example, I bought several pars of purple socks that I ware to work on a regular basis as a way to honour the woman inside. But deep down I feel that is not enough for her. If she had her own way, I would be reborn in a female body, and that will never happen. So I think “inner peace” is a better term for my situation.

So how do I find inner peace when I am staring down the dark path of pornography that in the past has effectively dulled the pain I feel for wanting so bad to be a Woman. The Sunday school answers are the first to come to mind; read my scriptures, say my prayers, and attend my Sunday meetings. They are the easiest ones to do and are suppose to bring the greatest amount of comfort. They are extremely difficult to do if I am having trouble finding the desire to do them.

When I am staring down the dark path of shame, anger and self loathing; what do I do? Finding inner peace when the very thought of myself fills my mind with unbearable hatred. When I feel the intense want to be a woman wash over me I feel the dark deep rifts of shame open up, and I am swallowed up by rage and an intense disgust for myself. Shame has become a constant companion of mine here in this life. I feel it as embarrassment for feeling this way, as unworthiness after viewing inappropriate content on the internet, and disgust as I do things that I am not proud of. But… “Empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish, and douse it with empathy it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we are in a struggle: me too” — Brené Brown - Listening to shame. “Shame is the swamp land of the soul.”

There are many dark paths I have stared down, but suffice to say these are the two of the darker ones. But what about this antidote to shame: Empathy? What is empathy, and how can it defeat shame? Be aware that empathy and sympathy are not the same.
Britannica Concise Encyclopaedia defines empathy as: [The] ability to imagine oneself in another's place and understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. … The empathic actor or singer is one who genuinely feels the part he or she is performing. The spectator of a work of art or the reader of a piece of literature may similarly become involved in what he or she observes or contemplates….
So in order to divest myself of shame I need to feel empathy for those who suffer as well.
Marvin J. Ashton (Give with Wisdom That They May Receive with Dignity) said: Wherever these lost sheep may be, a necessary ingredient for helping is empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s feelings and to feel what he feels. Meaningful help can never be given without empathy for the recipient. This requires gaining the confidence of the person; listening with eyes, ears, and heart; trying to comprehend how this person feels; and then letting him know by your personal performance that you really understand. One who really understands and practices empathy doesn’t solve another’s problems, doesn’t argue, doesn’t top his story, make accusations, or take away free agency. He merely helps the person build his self-reliance and self-image so he can try to find his own solutions.

One of the many things to finding inner peace is to have empathy for others, and I can then rid myself of shame that I feel for being this way.

How can I help others; when I, myself need help?

On my first visit with my therapist he recommended that I read “The mindful path to self compassion” by Christopher Germer, PhD. I am not going to go into any great detail about the book, but he quotes the Dalai Lama. “[Compassion] is the state of wishing that the object of our compassion be free of suffering… yourself first, and then in a more advanced way the aspiration will embrace others” So in short the book teaches how to have compassion for oneself through meditation. It is an amazing book with the power to move your own emotional mountains. The concept be hid this book is like nothing else, and Brene Brown allude to it when she said “they have the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others. Because as it turns out we can’t practice compassion on other people if we cant treat ourselves kindly.”

How does all this add up? I have mentioned several things that have contributed to my lack of inner peace; Anima not wanting to make a compromise, Pornography, and the shame I feel. Through all of this I have started to realise some of my solutions as well; Empathy and mindful meditation will both help me find inner peace. No I have not forgotten the Sunday school answers either. They are what I need in order to find the lord in my inner peace. It has been so long since I practiced them regularly that I am having difficulty finding the desire to take them up again. With persistent practice I will find the desire once again.

These are but a few things I need to do to find inner peace. Like I said there are many, and it will be a constant struggle to keep the peace. I can’t keep hiding who I am and pretending to be someone else in order to make everyone else more comfortable, while I am eating myself up inside. That is why I am going to “fearlessly be myself.” I am going to make myself Vulnerable in spite of my insecurities. Brené Brown in: The power of vulnerability, says it best.

• let our self be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.
• to love with our whole hearts even though there is not guarantee.
• to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror when we are wondering: can I love you this much? Can I believe in this as passionately? Can I be this fierce about this? Just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen just say, “I feel grateful to feel this vulnerable means I am alive.”
• I am enough
• believe I am worthy of love and belonging
• courage to be imperfect

Now what I need to do is just do it. That is where I am having my problems. I have this desire to better myself and to move on in my life, but I can’t seem to make the first step. I feel like I am spinning my wheels and I am going nowhere fast. I see the journey ahead of me, and I guess I think it is far too great and I become discouraged. While in personal prayer I am pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me, that if there is something I need to do to find the motivation, he will help me see it. I thought there was something I needed to do; that it would just click. Click like a light going on in my head, and I would find the inspiration to move forward. As I pleated I heard this still small voice whisper in my mind “Take the first step.” With the distinct impression that this is all it takes. No grand revelation. No epiphany that will send me on a stead fast journey. This is just a plain and simple truth. I am grateful for personal revelation when in comes in times of quiet contemplation and prayer. I am thankful that the lord is still mindful of me in my struggles as I strive to return unto my heavenly father.
I apologise if this sound preachy and kind of like a sacrament meeting talk, this is just me working things out in my head and coming to realisations I needed to move forward.

Music

Being transgender; Music has helped me get through some tough times

I love music; though I can not play an instrument, nor could I carry a tune in a bucket to save my life. I have a deep and profound love and respect for it. When I am down it sooth my spirit and helps to lighten my burdens when I become depressed because of my GID. When I am all alone, listening to a beautiful classical piece, I will turn it up and let the notes surround me. The sounds of the melody massage and penetrate deep into every fibber of my being and caress my soul.

“Hymns can lift our spirits, give us courage, and move us to righteous action. They can fill our souls with heavenly thoughts and bring us a spirit of peace.” ("First Presidency Preface," Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, (1998))

Music has been very inspirational to me and has helped me through some very dark and trying times in my life. I like what Elder Boyd K. Packer had to say about this.

“I realize that in today’s world it’s often difficult to keep your mind filled with worthy thoughts. This takes careful control. However, it can be done when you make a safe place for your thoughts to go. I’ve found a way to make such a place, and I’d like to share it with you. It has to do with music—worthy music. A wise man once said, ‘Music is one of the most forceful instruments for governing the mind.’ Whether it governs in a positive way or a negative way is determined by what it brings onto the stage of your mind. If you can say that a song is spiritually inspiring or that it urges you to see yourself in a more noble perspective, the music is worthwhile. If it merely entertains or lifts your spirits, then it also has a useful place. But if it makes you want to respond in a carnal, sensual way or to consider unrighteous desires, then that music should be avoided. It is not worthy." (Boyd K. Packer, “Worthy Music, Worthy Thoughts,” New Era, Apr. 2008, 6–11.)

It has been a big part of my life and has shaped who I am, and it has made me think. If I could be a song, and I had to chose one that would represent me and sum up who I am in a melody it would be this one. 

(D&C 25:12) For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.
(D&C 136:28) If thou art merry, praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and thanksgiving.

I am a Child of God

God accepts all his children; including transgender.

As a young child I was teased by my older siblings about acting girly. At the time I was not fully aware of the difference between boys and girls but I knew I wanted to be like my older sister. I followed her around and she was my best friend. When I was six I was very well aware about the difference between boys and girls, and I knew that I did not want to be a boy. I look at my daughter and I am glad that she does not go through what I have. At her age, six years old, she does not have the slightest care in the world about the difference between boys and girls. She talks about all the kids in her class as her friends. My earliest recollections of physically doing something about my gender were around six. I would secretly try on girl clothes, and be petrified of getting caught. All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had an intense fear of someone finding out that I wanted to be a girl. So I put on this front and pretended to be more male. I made myself like boy things, and tried to hide the fact that I felt like a girl on the inside.
Over the years I became an expert at hiding it, even from my mother. I remember at night in bed while secretly trying on girl clothes; I whished and wanted so bad to be a girl. I was so confused. Why did Heavenly Father make me this Way? He does not make mistakes. How could I kneel in prayer to him and ask him why? “You gave me this wonderful body, but I am not happy with it.” What a slap in the face. So I felt all alone in this struggle.
Growing up most of my best friends where Girls; I associated better with them, and as I grew that changed, I then had no friends. I was continually teased by my peers for being more feminine (or Gay, which I am not). I would try and bottle up these feelings of being a girl and suppress them, and pretend they where not there, but over time the pressure would build and I could feel my emotions slipping. I would not be able to contain it and the bottle would breaker. The desire to be female would come flooding over me uncontrollably, and for a while I would not be able to control my feelings and be over whelmed with this intense desire. Slowly I would go spiralling into a depression and I would have to fight tooth and nail to suppress it once again. I have gone through this cycle all my life, and every time this cycle repeats it becomes harder to bottle up again.
At around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew.
I share this dark time in my life that you might understand the light. By nature I am a happy fun loving person. I try to take joy in all the little things life has to offer. But I feel a battle raging inside of me. between the joy that comes so naturally to me, and the hurt, anger, sorrow, jealousy, envy that I feel when I want so bad to be a girl. I now know that God stayed my hand that night and preserved my life. I am grateful to him for that. He saw in me something greater that I could not see or understand at the time. The words to I am a Child of God struck home to me.

I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I am a child of God,
And so my needs are great;
Help me to understand his words
Before it grows to late.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I am a child of God.
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will
I'll live with him once more.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I am a child of God.
His promises are sure;
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

I think this song was written for me in my times of ordeal. I know that I am a child of God and he has blessed me with a set of trials designed specifically for me; the only thing sufficiently strong to test my worthiness to live with him. I love God, and am grateful for the atoning sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. I know that Christ lives and that he died that I might live once again. I am overjoyed to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of later day Saints, and the knowledge and light the gospel of Jesus Christ brings into my life. In the past I may not have seen it, but I have been blessed as Nephi said it, “having been born of goodly parents…” (1 Nephi 1:1) and been born into the gospel.